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Healthy Helper

Health. Happiness. Helping Others.

Redefining Compliments

A new take on giving and receiving compliments. Look beyond the exterior next time you want to give praise to someone in your life…whether it’s a stranger or a close friend!

You look great.

How often do you hear this? Either on the receiving end or just in everyday conversation. It seems to be everyone’s go to compliment. Especially if you’ve recently lost weight, toned up, or got in shape. Never mind how you got there….maybe you were sick with the stomach flu for a week, maybe you’ve been KILLING yourself non stop at the gym, maybe you’ve been skipping meals. Regardless, you’re being told you look great. So it’s all worth it, right?

Wrong. So many times when people pay a compliment to someone else, the first thing they comment on is there appearance. Whether they’re being sincere or not, they go right for the exterior as opposed to commenting on something of real substance.

Especially in the health and fitness world (on social media specifically!), there is hyper focus on people’s bodies. Ab pictures left and right, glute shots, and the ever so popular bra and underwear selfie. Next, what comes is a slew of comments saying how great the person looks. Now I am all for encouragement and praise, but have you ever stopped to consider the measures taken for someone to achieve that look. Most times it’s a lot harder than they make it seem in the idealic world of Instagram. Sure, it may seem easy…but a lot of times those bodies you’re fixating on come at a high price. A high price in physical and mental health. The amount of leanness that’s displayed online is not realistic. In fact, maintaining those levels of body fat can be detrimental, especially for women. But that doesn’t stop people from encouraging it, complimenting it, or wishing for it for themselves.

Telling someone they look great isn’t a crime, but it is basically saying that the person fits the standards that society has set for thinness, muscle tone, and beauty.

‘Great‘ does not necessarily mean healthy. It does not mean happy. It doesn’t even mean sexy, if that’s what you’re going for. It just means that you’re fitting the profile of what society has deemed to be acceptable.

I realize that is not always the case, for example if someone was suffering from an illness and got better or lost weight for health reasons, it might be nice for them to hear that their efforts are showing themselves physically. But overall, what’s the need to comment on someone’s appearance? There is SO MUCH MORE to a person than what they look like. Frankly, if the only good you can see in me is something about the way I look, that’s saying something pretty revealing about how I am carrying myself and expressing myself.

I feel like we’ve become a culture that craves body praise. We yearn for it and put ourselves out there to feed the insatiable thirst for feedback on our looks. Social media has increased this phenomenon two fold and it’s sad that it’s contributing to low body image, self hatred, and comparison world wide.

I propose we make an effort to redefine compliments. I think we can become more mindful of the things we are complimenting others on and reframe our words to comment on things that have more importance.

Redefine Compliments | Healthy Helper @Healthy_Helper A new take on giving and receiving compliments. Look beyond the exterior next time you want to give praise to someone in your life...whether it's a stranger or a close friend! 

Instead of “you look great“, how about….

You look so happy.

Your smile lights up the room.

Your laugh is infectious.

You should know how much I enjoy being around you.

That color you’re wearing makes you glow.

You radiate confidence.

When I am with you I feel such a sense of calm.

You make everyone around you feel better about themselves.

I love how you walk with such conviction and determinism.

You’re so strong.

You are one of the most thoughtful people I know.

Your compassion knows no bounds.

You’re important even if you don’t think so.

You always make me laugh.

Your passion is contagious.

I love how you’re always volunteering to help others.

You’re an amazing friend.

I admire your fearlessness.

Our conversations bring me a lot of joy.

You’re so talented.

I feel like I can really trust you.

It’s true. We all like feeling good about our exterior and being complimented on it. But wouldn’t you much rather be recognized for the things that really make you YOU?

With all that said, I don’t want you to feel bad if someone says “you look great”. Not being able to accept compliments is a whole other issue in itself. So take it in, say thank you, but being mindful of the fact that there is so much more to you then what meets the eye. You are not defined by what you look like and you have the power to show the world what you’re really made of.

Do people often make comments about your appearance?

What’s one thing you love about yourself?

Will you make an effort to compliment someone on one of their intrinsic qualities today?

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39 responses to “Redefining Compliments”

  1. words can’t express how much I loved this post. This is all over Instagram especially and sometimes it’s sickening to read through the comments of someone’s post about their body. So many people wishing they had that body, wondering why they don’t look that way, when the truth is it’s probably not sustainable.

    One of my favorite quotes is “we get so worried about being pretty. Let’s be pretty KIND, pretty FUNNY, pretty SMART”. You could go on and on but the sweetest compliments I have received have nothing to do with my appearance. Appearance ks temporary, who you are as a person is not.

    Reply

  2. I wish that people can immediately sense intelligence or good humor or great character, but the truth is, it’s the exterior that people see first. 🙂 I agree that social media has contributed to even more body self-consciousness. :|I like the alternative compliments you posted! I should hand out a few of those this week.

    By the way, your blog just reminded me of this post I read yesterday: http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/07/11/sports/tennis/tenniss-top-women-balance-body-image-with-quest-for-success.html. It’s about female athletes and body image. It’s a very thought-provoking and sensitive topic.

    Reply

  3. I hear you. I often try to leave comments about what the person is doing. Like “stunning pose” or “way to kill that run!” I don’t mind “you look great” (as opposed to “you look so thin” and problem phrases like it) but it seems like lazy commenting to me. I didn’t stop on a photo because its “great.” Something specific in the image or caption caught my attention and that’s what I try to respond to.

    Reply

  4. Yes Yes Yes! I have come to realize that body comments and appearance based compliments honestly hold no real value in comparison to ones about who I really am and what I believe in. I agree that more people should focus on the awesome examples you give!

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  5. I like that you posted about this! Another thing that really irks me on IG is when people say “you inspired me..” “you’re so inspiring…” in relation to a person’s crazy lean body and chiseled abs. That’s not inspiration! I think so many people in this day and age are forgetting what true inspiration actually is. It’s not being able to do the most advance yoga pose or even running an ultra marathon!
    I think true inspiration is the simple act of kindness and compassion. My mother is a dedicated child-adolescent psychiatrist. She put herself through medical school and raised me alone as a single mother. That’s inspiring. She works damn hard every day trying to heal the lives of children that are truly suffering.
    A simple true act of kindness is inspiring–like just walking a blind person across the street. I think this whole generation just needs a freaking wake-up call to what is inspiring. And I agree–I think there needs a major focus away from the body and just actually living life.

    Reply

    • YES YES YES! Helping others and showing genuine compassion is what inspires me too! Your mom’s story is inspiring as well! That’s awesome that she was able to accomplish all of that.

      Reply

  7. I love love love this post! Did I mention that I love it!! Since having baby number 3 I’ve put weight on and found myself really trying to focus on losing it (it’s not happening) The more I focus on weight loss the more I eat. It’s a vicious circle made ever worst by media and the social “norm”. My favorite thing about myself is my hair and my stubborn streak. Being stubborn is what’s got me to where I am. Thank you for putting this out there great post #brilliantblogposts

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  8. I know I prefer compliments about anything other than looks. It always makes me uncomfortable. But I also have a hard time accepting compliments about my work and my personality. I always tend to downplay everything, which I think a lot of women do. I love the alternatives you came up with!

    Reply

  9. We are a culture obsessed with talking about other people’s bodies. Whether it be a shameful remark or compliment, we feel the right to openly discuss appearances. I can remember when I lost weight after a surgery, and my dad told me I “looked great.” Then, when I lost weight while struggling with an eating disorder, people again said I “looked great.” I might have appeared “great” but that was far from the truth. In neither situation was I healthy, physically or mentally. Compliments that make my day are ones that have nothing to do with appearance because it shows that someone notices and appreciates me for ME, not my body. Now I’m trying to do the same, and talking about a person’s qualities and character versus his or her appearance. A very insightful post!

    Reply

    • Thank you for sharing that! I totally agree…’great’ is so subjective and often times you can’t tell how someone really is doing based on their outer appearance.

      Reply

  10. Beautifully written Kaila. It’s true – our society is very looks-centred. I find myself guilty of complimenting on appearance and I would like to change that. One of the things I like saying to people is how adorable they are which is more a reflection on their awesome personality then the way they look.

    Reply

  11. What an incredible post!
    This morning on my way into work I had a gate guard (I work on a military installation) compliment my hair.
    While I said Thank You, it left me feeling a little strange.
    Why does this man feel the need to give me a compliment in the morning?

    This post was so inspiring. I’m definitely sharing on my blog this Friday!

    Darrian
    http://www.darrianmichelle.com

    Reply

  12. This is such a good reminder. It makes me think of how I need to look for and see the grace of God working in every thing around me, especially my family members, and not criticize but instead just wonder at how God is working in them!

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  13. YES! Love this post! It’s so easy to go for the “you look great” compliment (and everyone likes to be told they look nice), but it does take away from their other qualities that aren’t mentioned as much. I think offering one of the other compliments shows that you’ve taken much more care over what you’re saying and have really thought about that person and focussed on who they are as a person. #brillblogposts

    Reply

  14. One day this spring I received so many comments on how much it looked like I’d lost weight, I looked so beautiful that day, there was something new…..all I had done was brush my hair that day. I teach for a profession and am a stay at home mom the rest of the time. If I’m not in fitness gear someone must have died. It was kind of disheartening to get so many compliments that day just because I’d chosen to brush my hair and leave it down instead of the usual braids or ponytail. Compliments should reflect the person’s attitude and not their appearance…in which case, I’m sure I’d get complimented daily!

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  15. Hi Kaila! I’m visiting from A Stroll Thru Life Today and your message is spot on. The same message applies to the way we encourage our children. It is so much more important to know work on who we are than on how we look. Beauty is fleeting but character remains.
    Blessings to you,
    Patti

    Reply

  16. This is something I’ve been working on and I appreciate your list of suggested compliments. I’ve got some new ones to try now. Thanks for sharing at the #ThisIsHowWeRoll Link Party.

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  17. I love this, I love the idea of finding better compliments and your suggested list has really got me thinking. Thanks so much.

    Reply

  19. Such a beautiful post! I love getting and giving compliments about personal qualities rather than aspects of personal appearance. Especially important to teach our children that we value those things over beauty, or society’s definition of beauty. Whenever we can commend a young person for their kindness, it reinforces that behavior; always commenting on the superficial things reinforces *that*! Tweeting this post.

    Reply

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