Ghosting isn’t just for romantic relationships. Friendship ghosting is real and can hurt just as much as a significant other leaving you without a word. This simple guide will help you deal with ghosting and move on from it healthily.
When you think of ghosting, you usually think of someone cutting off communication with you after chatting on a dating app or not texting you back after you’ve gone on a few dates. But believe it or not, ghosting can happen in friendships too, and unfortunately, it happened to me at one point.
I was hesitant to open up about this on the blog, but I feel like my experience can help other people who have gone through this, so I thought I’d share some steps I took to get over losing someone I thought was one of my closest friends.
But first, for those of you who aren’t familiar with ghosting, here’s a simple definition…
What is Ghosting?
Ghosting is when people cut off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating. They do this with zero warning or notice beforehand. They avoid your phone calls or texts, social media messages, and posts, and even go as far as to avoid you in public.
This is essentially what happened to me a few years back, and it was done to me by someone I considered as close as family. I was ghosted in a friendship.
In some regard, being ghosted by a friend can be even harder to deal with than by a boyfriend, girlfriend, or love interest. Friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what, especially after you’ve gone through a lot with them, confided in them (and they in you), and made specific promises to never walk out of each other’s life without explanation.
For weeks and months after the fact, I went over the whole situation and tried to conclude why my friend did what they did. But honestly, I couldn’t figure it out, and I don’t know if I ever will since they refused to have an adult conversation with me or even acknowledge my presence.
One of the hardest parts about being ghosted is that it comes without warning and typically as a surprise. This was the case for me since I went from planning to meet up with my friend one day to the next (and from then on) ignoring me completely.
Has a friend ghosted you?
Some other people who have been ghosted in a friendship shared their experiences with me, and I was amazed at how similar our stories were…
My best friend since I was 10 unfriended me for unknown reasons a few years ago. I reached out numerous times but she will not answer me nor tell me the reason why. | RS
I have experience with it in a platonic relationship. Someone who was supposed to be a very close friend just stopped messaging me one day. I tried because I know relationships are a two-way street, but to no avail. I find it extremely immature – if I did something, tell me. If you’re just too busy or moving in a different life direction, tell me. Don’t just disappear. | SZ
Even when you knew it wasn’t a good relationship and wasn’t bound to last, getting ghosted makes you feel like you need more answers. It almost makes you care more while you sit obsessing over what you did or didn’t do and how the other person could so quickly go to just completely ignoring you! | LA
I can relate to all of these sentiments….especially the feeling of wanting ANSWERS. When the ghosting first occurred, I felt upset for many reasons. Sad, angry, and slightly depressed over losing what I considered a “good” and important relationship.
Now that I am more removed from it all, I am no longer “mourning” the lost friend, but I still need closure. I am the type of person that likes closure in any situation…good or bad. If I did something wrong, tell me. Tell me if something is happening with you that changes this between us. Regardless of the situation, I prefer to end things like adults with mutual respect rather than being treated as if we’re in kindergarten and ignored. But I realize this is a lot to ask of someone, especially if they are not as socially mature or empathetic as you are.
As I said at the beginning, I am sharing all of this because I’ve gone through ghosting, and now, on the other side of it, I’ve been able to reflect on the steps it took for me to get through it and MOVE ON. If my experience can help one other person do the same, this post will have been worth it.
Ghosted in a Friendship? Here’s How to Move On
- Acknowledge your feelings
- Talk it out
- Prioritize your wellness
- Try to see the other person’s POV
- Let it go
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Whether you were best friends for years or just started hanging out, the experience of being ghosted is likely to evoke feelings of upset, anger, sadness, and confusion. Being ignored, avoided, or dumped doesn’t feel good, so it’s normal and human to experience a range of emotions in response. Don’t try to stuff down these emotions or put on a brave face. Give yourself some grace, sympathy, and understanding.
2. Talk It Out
If someone close to you ghosts you, it may be difficult to confide in others about your experience, particularly if the person you typically turn to for venting is the one who ghosted you. But as hard as it is, putting your thoughts and feelings into words to another person can be extremely cathartic. When you share your experiences instead of holding them in and ruminating on them, you can begin to move out of the difficult rut that you’re in. Processing painful experiences is so much easier and more healing when done with someone else and not in your mind. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to another friend or family member, consider seeing a therapist/counselor.
3. Prioritize Your Personal Wellness
When we feel down or upset about something, it can be challenging to motivate ourselves to engage in typical healthy habits and take care of ourselves. But believe it or not, the basic tasks of eating well, getting good sleep, and moving your body are incredibly important to managing emotional and mental pain. Mind-body practices (yoga, meditation, etc.) are especially helpful in reducing the strain that sadness causes on our bodies and minds.
4. Try To See The Other Person’s POV
Even though ghosting is cruel and probably something you would never do, it can be helpful to consider the other person’s perspective. It can help you move on if you acknowledge that the person who ghosted you thought he or she was doing the right thing. While it was mean and cowardly, some people who have ghosted others may sincerely believe it was the easiest way to let the other person down. They may have thought that ghosting gets their message across without confrontation. (Not saying this right or FAIR, but it can help you move forward to consider the other person’s thinking process in making their decision.)
And finally…
5. Let It Go
Arguably the hardest yet most important step, and easier said than done. Whatever happened to your friendship, you’ll feel ten times better once you stop dwelling on what was. Instead, start putting your energy toward your future. Use the mental space you reserved for grieving the lost friendship to foster REAL healthy relationships. This will help you move forward and fill the void your bad friend left. You can learn from your experience of being ghosted that people don’t always reveal their true colors. Some only stay in friendships until they get what they want out of them. These “users” are not the people you want to be friends with long-term.
They take but don’t give, so it’s not worth being involved in any friendship that lacks reciprocity. It’s perfectly normal to worry about being ghosted in a friendship in the future. However, stressing over that possibility is not worth all the opportunities you’d miss for true friendship by not moving on.
Have you ever been ghosted in a friendship or maybe done the ghosting yourself? Share your experience and perspectives in the comments!
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110 responses to “Ghosted By A Friend? 5 Steps To Moving On From Toxic Relationships”
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So, this was a term with which I was unfamiliar. Not with the actual act- just the term.
But, here’s another point of view. I ghosted someone. (Not in a romantic relationship.) Because his prejudices and racial animus was becoming more pronounced. I knew that I was not going to correct his behavior- it was clearly something that he had buried for decades, but now felt entitled to spew freely. So, I decided it was time to cut off all contact. Because his behavior and actions were repulsive to me- and because I refused to be tainted with his prejudice by association. (Others would assume I must agree with his tenets, if we spend that much time together.)
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Roy. I completely understand where you’re coming from in your specific situation.
Good article, though I had never heard of “ghosting” before. I learn something new everyday.
Thanks for reading, Trish!
Ugh, so so true! I’ve been there this year actually. A “friend” just removed me from all social media out of the blue. Again, I tried to see it their way but honestly , it wasn’t that great of a friendship to begin with. I’m okay with that and I’ve moved on. It hurt for sure but I’m better now.
Ghosting is a term I hadn’t heard before – but the concept is certainly familiar – I have had it happen to me once. Thanks for a great explanation of what Ghosting is – and how to get past it. 🙂
I am sorry you’ve gone through this as well. It’s terrible and no one should have to deal with it.
Omg this exact thing happened to me in April of 2016. I was so so completely blown away, never saw it coming, and was extremely hurt!!! But after several months, I was able to get over it. To this day I have NO IDEA why she did it, because I’ve never asked. I honestly don’t believe she’ll tell me the truth, so that’s why I didn’t bother to ask! It was literally like we were the best of friends one day, and the next – nothing! And come on, she’s GOT to know she did it to me! Doesn’t she sit there and wonder why I haven’t asked?? That’s so strange to me! She didn’t delete me off of her social media, and I didn’t delete her, but I hid her from seeing my stuff. I thought ok, if she is gonna pull this cruel stunt on me, she doesn’t deserve to see what is going on in my life anymore!!! She can hear it second hand! Even the posts she CAN see, she never likes them or acknowledges me in any way. So I’m like, whatever. She couldn’t have been that great of a friend to begin with!
I’m so sorry that you went through this too, Julie. It is really awful and no one deserves it. I am happy that you’ve been able to move past it though. Sending you love! <3
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I have been through a friendship where 1) I’m not sure it was a real friendship, 2) my awareness and expectations of who this person really was was entirely wrong, 3) I’m not sure if I did anything to bring about her rapid change in tone with me, and 4) I’m sure I was dealing with a person with one or more personality and mood disorders.
Let’s call this friend (or should I say “friend”?) Tara. Tara works with me in the same company. She’s a couple years older than me, now in her mid-40s, and has been in this company a couple more years as well, not a supervisor, more of a senior colleague. Tara was divorced/single when we met, and I am married.
Some background: Tara had married young, she married her husband when they were classmates in grad school, and then were classmates during an arduous 5-year training program, and then another year in practice working together until they had – what I heard to be – an ugly divorce (he had taken money from her, I heard). She never spoke much about him, occasionally mentioned she thought he was an alcoholic, but said they probably would have stayed together if they had had kids (they never did, she didn’t talk about that).
So she had been in her early thirties, divorced and single. She proceeded to go through several relationships, none lasting more than two years (one man she mentioned she had been “almost engaged” to, not sure what that means). She had also been through several jobs in the same field, with different companies.
At our company, she worked two floors above me for the first couple years after I joined. She was always friendly and cordial with me, I only saw her occasionally. But I began to hear that there was some rift between her and our other staff on her floor. I never heard what exactly had happened, but know Tara to sometimes be defensive, irritable, and territorial about her work – which she occasionally expressed in angry emails to the team!
The chiefs of the department had to switch her office for other purposes, so they transferred her downstairs to my floor, a quieter floor.
Our friendship started pretty quickly then. I had been one of the few coworkers who she had been casually friendly with even before she came downstairs and I felt sorry for her about how the others were treating her upstairs. Although I didn’t know the details about what happened up there, I felt that she was a good worker who was being unfairly maligned.
We hit it off quickly. Mornings and afternoons chatting in each others’ offices, lunch together in the team breakroom, went to conferences together, walks to the company store together. We began emailing and texting quite frequently. Text conversations almost every day. Book and movie ideas, political discussions, you name it, fun chats. Her mother passed away and I spent several long phone conversations with Tara, although she later told me she generally did not like to talk on the phone. Tara describes herself as an introvert, she certainly is, and when she had her door closed and needed to just get her work done on her own, alone, I let her be. Some days she wouldn’t show up to work and I’d text to see if she was ok, she’d tell me she was having “a really bad time” and just needed to be alone.
We saw each other at concerts, where she hung out at intermission with me and my wife. Went to a few company excursions with her, she was friendly with my wife too.
Occasionally, I now realize more clearly, she didn’t treat me as a friend, though. Couple times going out with others from work, she drove me to the venue, and then just left me there without a ride at the end of the evening (once some boyfriend she was all nuts about came and took her away from our group, once she said she just needed to leave, and left me standing there alone in the parking lot calling Uber!). I asked her a couple times if she wanted to join me and my wife for dinner before a concert, and she always said she “didn’t want to be a third wheel.” When my wife and I went on a double-date with her and her then-boyfriend (later fiancee), to a festival (an excessively PDA-filled showing on their part), they just suddenly declared in the middle of the day they were leaving since he didn’t feel well. Another time we went on another double-date with them to dinner and a concert, at the end of the music, they just left without staying a minute to say goodnight. Except for one evening when I invited her (single at the time) to join me and my wife and my parents for a Christmas garden festival and nice dinner, I realize now she never wanted to go out with us unless it was to serve as a double-date for her and a guy! She never invited me out or over to her house.
She shared with me here and there some relatively private details about her life and family (although I now realize she left a lot of details about prior work and relationship life to herself). I used to ask about how she was doing all the time. I really felt more and more that I cared about her. In a purely platonic way, I’m happily married! But I cared and felt sorry for hardships she was going through and wanted (and offered) to help in any way I could.
One notable time I offered her advice I now realize may have been a major mistake. Thing is with Tara, she is very self-assured and confident that whatever she is doing is the right and smart thing to do, no matter what common wisdom says. She had embarked on her newest relationship and after only a few weeks of dating, he had moved into her house, she was planning to buy a baby grand piano to convert her home office into a music room for him, they went ring shopping, and she was planning on quitting her job and moving with him across the country in about a year to live closer to his parents. I only suggested to her that this relationship was moving very fast and she should keep her head on her shoulders – if she was sure it was the right thing, fine, but I was just hoping she wasn’t making rash decisions. (of note, I have kind of made the “instant relationship” mistake myself, and it didn’t turn out well!!). She became quiet – noticeably perturbed at my suggestion to merely think carefully about what she was doing – and tersely told me she had been through many relationships and could easily see that she had found the right man. After just over a month of dating, she knew everything that was bad about him and could live with those things.
On the other hand, I told her about some private health issues I had. And a few months into our “friendship” my wife had a baby, my new son. And she never once asked me about how those things were going, about how I was doing or the baby or my postpartum wife! Not once!
It’s remarkable to think now, but in the months before my son was born, I asked her (at first casually, then with a heartfelt written letter) if she wanted to be the Godmother to my son. She said yes, she was honored.
The major rift happened about a week before my son was born. She had been dating a guy for about 2.5 months and was very content and excited to be in a relationship (the same boyfriend from the double-dates I mentioned). On Monday she was friendly, joking around with me, had a nice chat and walked to the store with me ….
Tuesday morning … not a word. No good morning, no nothing. She shut her office door all morning, seemed very angry when I saw her come out of office in afternoon, I tried to talk to her and she abruptly and rudely cut me off in mid-sentence, closed her door in my face. And she remained like that the next week until I had to leave work for the birth.
I texted her a few times, I was concerned about her very sudden change in behavior. After my son was born, she never texted back. I was reading about depression and noticed her symptoms seemed to match almost entirely (at least from an external view). She finally wrote me a text saying she was overwhelmed and needed some space. Although she said she knew I was trying to be a good friend to her, my periodic checks on how she was doing were increasing her stress, she needed space. I understood. I sent her an emoticon text every week or so to let her know I was there if she needed to talk, but I otherwise kept silent and gave her space all that time.
When I got back to work a few weeks later, I found out from another coworker that after a couple weeks when she was very upset, people had thought she and the new guy had broken up, she came in one morning to announce they were engaged. Other than flashing the ring at me with a smirk over her shoulder, she never mentioned it to me.
Continued silence from her. A few weeks later I wrote to her, congratulated her again, but said I hoped we could clear the air between us. I said I had valued our friendship, and hoped we could resume more cordial interactions, if only for workplace harmony. She eventually replied, again stating that she was an introvert and my interactions with her were making coming to work difficult. My “constant need for attention from her” were “very draining.”
Brief list of possible reasons for all this:
1- self-centered, borderline/narcissistic personality disorder(s)
2 – insecurity/desperation being single for so long
3 – involuntary/circumstantial childlessness
4 – jealous/controlling boyfriend/fiance
I’m curious your thoughts on this painful/confusing situation.
Thanks!
First off, thank you for sharing all of this with me Rick! It’s nice to know that I am not alone in going through this and I am SO sorry you experienced the same thing.
Having been through it myself and since having talked to the person this post is referring to, I can say that all the reasons you listed are SPOT ON. For me, my friend was going to through a tough time at the same time I was and she felt that she couldn’t support me while she was also struggling. She also tends to isolate and turn into herself when she’s struggling so in hindsight it makes sense that she ghosted. However, like you, I would SO have appreciated just a little bit of communication from her so that I knew what was going on and WHY instead of being left in the dark.
I can’t really offer much advice, but I can say that everything happens for a reason. I now look back on that friendship and see how toxic it was. I am in such a better place now having moved on from the relationship. And although it still hurts because we were close, shared personal things, and had a real connection, I know in the end it was all for the best and great learning lesson.
I hope you’re able to get through this tough time. Just turn to those around you that you can depend on fully. 🙂
I was ghosted a few years ago by a relative of all things and it hurt deeply as well as made no sense to me. Admittedly they rarely replied to texts claiming they were too busy yet would reply via FB so that’s how we stayed in touch. I confided something personal to them but things seemed fine for over a year. I didn’t talk to them incessantly as we weren’t that close, though I would have liked to have been, but I at the very least contacted them on holidays. One day out of the blue I noticed their account was gone. I later learned their number had also been changed and over a year later learned they had created a new profile under a fictional name where they’d added back many people including other relatives yet never added me. I tried contacting them via text using their new number I received from a relative but i was too wimpy to actual call them. I never received a reply and eventually they renamed their account with their real name only to reject my friend request with no explanation. I finally decided it wasn’t worth the drama to remain in contact with them and later when I saw them in person they acted like everything was fine so I did the same.
I vowed to neveer ghost anyone after how I felt…and recently I broke my vow. My “friends” began to unofficially ghost me a while back by never contacting me, never sharing details of their lives, etc. They didn’t block me nor unfriend me yet it felt like the same thing. Once in a blue moon they’d contact me out of nowhere yet this became very uncommon. Finally I decided our relationship was toxic and felt I shouldn’t be friends with them yet couldn’t confront them. Already feeling like I had been ghosted and self-labeled as a convenience friend I removed them from all social media. I didn’t block them in any way so they can still contact me and I doubt they’ll even notice I unfollowed/unfriended them. I still feel guilty but I don’t think in this case I have any reason to.
I’m so sorry all of that happened to you, Robert. I hope this post helped a bit and made you feel a little less alone. Ghosting can happen to anyone…and it does!
I’m going through this right now. My best friend of 15 years is ghosting me. Our lives have been diverging for awhile now. For years we had a fairly co-dependent friendship. I usually played the helper and the support system. A couple years ago, I started to put down boundaries for myself and to pursue my own interests. I also have been pretty successful career wise whereas she has flounderd. A few months ago my boyfriend and I invited her out to lunch while we were in town. My boyfriend and I were both relaxed and visibly happy after what had been an incredibly difficult year. At the end of the day I could tell something had shifted. Afterwards she stopped returning texts, phone calls, invitations or emails. She called once to collect on a debt that we had agreed would be repaid in November. I happily paid the full amount not thinking much of it. Then, she stiffed me on a phone bill and abruptly removed herself from the plan without any notification. The whole thing sucked. First, because I was worried something had happened to her, and then because I realized she had just decided to offload me and my family. This is a women who lived in my mother’s house and was essentially a part of the family. Her actions were immature and cruel, but I suspect it had more to do with her unresolved internal issues than anything else.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. It is incredibly painful when a close friend does this, but know you are not alone in experiencing it. Sending you lots of love!
This comment is to Rick. I’m seeing you as a very caring sweet friend who was screwed over by a narcissist. I’m being ghosted by my close friend he was my husbands best friend my husband passed he was in my husbands estate. I supported him felt like he was family he ghosted me. Like I never existed I’m hurt but getting over it quickly and finding my self no longer interested in anything with him. Congratulations on new baby and glad you are in a happy family. I feel your pain we all could use friends like you god bless you and your wife and baby Nancy
I’ve been the ghoster and ghosted. The ghoster to guys on dating sites cause Im not in the mood to argue with them on confrontation since essentially they are strangers and if I feel like I wont get along w them, I ghost. I ghosted some people who have ignored my texts…a friend that 2 months later bitched me out for it even though she has fingers to text back and if someone ignores me I will just simply stop texting. She messaged me on fb and i told her i stopped texting because I was being ignored and I got tired of talking to myself. But the worst type of ghosting Ive received was being ghosted in the middle of a relationship which is just downright rude but thats how people behave these days and in all honesty, Id rather them just ghost me anyway.
It can be hard being on either side of the equation, but I think it definitely helps us empathize with the person in the opposite position as well.
This article just helped me TONS. I met a really nice woman through a moms group, and we have been hanging out for maybe a year before COVID hit. Our kids were great playmates, and she and I got along great. I felt very comfortable around her and she was super nice to me.
Recently, out of the blue, she just ghosted me. Our last conversation was via text and it was so odd. She said she was moving (which was confirmed by another mom) but she never told me. She said she was “making new friends” but was glad she knew me, and I was one of the nicest people she ever met, and valued our friendship. Then about three days ago, her social media accounts were back up but I was blocked. I texted her several times and she had never responded.
All I could figure is that whenever we spoke, she was itching to go out during the pandemic (when it was safe mind you, she is a good mom) but I refused because I just didn’t agree with it. I have two immune compromised people in my house with COPD and heart conditions that I didn’t want to risk bring a virus home to.
I felt like she could have been more straight forward with me and we could have been friends still, because I was never trying to hold her back or be negative. It hurt, and still does that she is not speaking to me. We may never speak again, but reading this makes me realize that confrontation or holding a grudge isn’t the best thing to do.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It really does stink to not have closure either, but the best thing we can do is just move on and remember that those people weren’t really meant to be in our lives if they treated us like that. Sending you love!!
Just had my first experience being ghosted by someone I thought was a good friend. I’m so sorry that this happens to anyone. It’s hurtful, immature, and unkind. I’m pretty sure I was ghosted due to us disagreeing on masking wearing. But since I’m being totally ignored I guess I’ll never know… no fun!
It really is awful!! I am so sorry it happened to you. Sending you a virtual hug and wishing you the best in future friendships!
Thank you for sharing this post. I found it on the Pin Junkie Pin Party. I am currently going through something similar and even though I am past the painful part, I too would like closure. But also accepting that I will never get it. Thanks for your insight.
Thank you so much for stopping by Donna!!
Thanks for your article!
I want to tell me ghosting story. Part of me feelings bad for having “ghosted” this “friend” who “ghosted” me too for some time before. It’s like a part of me says it was the best for my soul and mind and the other says I should had try to close that relationship better.
This friend is not from my country, we were internet friends for years, we talk about lots of things…. He was really nice, always sending me stuff he knows I like,etc- We even had sent presents to each other. . So last year he decided to visit my country, I was happy because I have many friends around the planet, I have met some of them and they have been so kind and cool,. I have never had a problem with people I’ve met on internet . So I decided to travel with him, We planned a travel , together and as his is my country I planned almost everything and He was welcomed at my home as part of my family. I live with my family and He was really welcome for them all and We gave him a room for his days here.
I never do nice for people because I want something back, I do them because I like see people happy and confortable. I never wait for them to be awesome, but at least I want some respect. He was awful to me in many parts of travel and have a inconstant mood. Zero empathy… I hurt my feet in a trekking and he let me alone and walked
really really fast…and We previously had agremment to both use my camera because He forgot his own, so He was using mine and despite of it and my problem He didn’t care. .. in the rest of walks We had to do he had the same behaivor… leaving me behind and rushing me…( It is supossed that if you go for a walk in nature is for be calm and enjoy is not a marathon) .he never asked me how I was feeling, never. I don’t like to play the victim, but I feel really sad and alone while I saw many people walking in groups with their friends, and I was alone in the middle of the mountains, even some people I don’t know asked me how I was.
In my case I tried to do the best to be a good host. I translated everything to him, I suggested the best restaurants and places, I helped him when He had altitude sickness,etc. Sometimes He also was rude when we were talking and he even say stuff that was classist about my country.
Months later He apologyzed and say he was bad to me because of he have been feeling worried because of his job and that stuff, and He also said that here he thought I was too slow walking and that my shoes were not especial ( what is no true),etc… I know that were no a real apology, but as I always have run away from people who has been bad to me I accepted them and I said to him let’s talk about the nice things of the travel, when we were talking I said him that I was glad he finally told his problems because I didn’t understand why his behaivor was like that and… what he did? dissappear and say nothing to me for a month ( but he was healthy because He was using IG a lot) I was feeling really bad asking myself what I did wrong?. And then when He was back his 1st mensagge was “Sorry for my late answer I am like this with everybody” and I didn’t want to answer, but weeks later as He was writing again I said to myself: I am going to be mature, I am not like him ..I will stop this in a good way. So I told him about what I felt and I said to him that his behaivor is not ok, is not ok to do that to others and as I am so silly and it is difficult to me cut off toxic people and I said to him that for me It was better no to talk abot the subject. We told as We used to do for some days…. this was in march of this year. We were talking about his pictures, covid and music. Conversatioon was normal and he let me talking alone again and after many days ( just ignoring me because He was active in social media) He answered me without even say ” Hi.How are you?” I So I “ghosted” him. I don’t know if I did right or no. But I felt that friendship was dead long ago. He has written me again a couple of times, but I don’t have the will to answer. I had already told him how bad his behaivor made me felt, so why explain myself again?. Sorry for write too long, but is a weight I still had inside. It was really sad to me, I felt like this “friend” has only used me all this time because He needed someone to listen/read to him. It’s impossible to keep in touch with someone who acts like that. He didn’t even send me the pictures he took of me. I should have seen this coming because before He came he was like taking days to answer to me when we were planing stuff.But I didn’t get mad because I know sometimes people is busy..I didn’t seen it as a signal of a inconstant person.
My mom and some friends said it’s the best thing I could do about that.
Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you love! <3
I can relate to Chelsea M post. I had made a mom friend that I really enjoyed and we got along well. She has been recently pulling away. We are very strict with COVID. That might be a factor. I just sent a friendly text that was met with a short reply. I will let it drop. No need to chase and beg someone. Unfortunately I try not to get to attached to potential friends so it won’t hurt when they ghost or reject me 🙁
Wow this is just so weird people do this, I could never imagine ‘communicating’ like that.
Its happened to me for the third time now by the same ‘friend’. from sending casual messages in the morning to not speaking or saying hello anymore in the afternoon. We go to the same gym so its difficult to behave normal for me, I would rather just leave and find another gym but I’m happy there.
And I know its not going to be allright anymore, this is the third or 4th time and the person usually acts like nothing had happened after a few days/ weeks as if I’m the one exagerating. So this time I’m not going to reach back our, asking what I did wrong as I have no idea or trying to understand the difficult times she must be going through privately which I am sure is the case. If I am honest this is just a very selfish person and always been, I have enough good friends and know for sure this isnt me as people know me as caring and very understanding towards others.
So its done, too bad but I just dont like the fact there we’re still bumping into each other and follow the same group classes..
My friend started dating a guy who was very controlling. Even she saw it after a while, and they broke up. Then he ‘mistakenly’ pocket dialed her, they ended up going to a church service together, and then went for a walk after. She saw a religious pamphlet on the ground & they took it as a ‘sign’ to try to mend things. (Eye roll). They went to counselling & he was so irritating that the counsellor actually yelled at him! My friend decided to take him back, and then had to spend all her free time with him so they could ‘work on the relationship’. Then it got weirder…..he HAD to go everywhere with her. She went to a craft project at the library with another gal pal, but he went too, as he wanted to try the craft, but he went separately. Like he was spying on them or keeping tabs on her or something. And if a woman friend invited her somewhere for a “girl’s night”, he just happened to come along, too, when he wasn’t invited. So, still very controlling. I let her know she should do what works for her, but I had no interest in hanging out with this guy for the time being as I thought he was still being emotionally abusive. She was fine with that…for about 3 weeks. Then she started whining about how I had to respect her being with her “partner” (barf), and her decisions etc. I repeated that my boundary was, I didn’t want to deal with him “for now”, until it looked like he had maybe really changed, and that I can disagree with her decisions in theory, & we don’t even have to talk about it unless she wants to, etc. I respect her right to make her own choices; they just don’t have to involve me, necessarily. And then she ghosted me. We are still on each other’s social media, but she doesn’t reach out at all. If a mutual friend is hosting a group event, they don’t show if they think I’ll be there, and honestly – that’s great with me, because it’s been a few years now, & I still think he’s manipulating her, in ways that are financial, emotional etc. This dude’s over 40, and she is not far behind – she wants to get married, and he is still stringing her along….they don’t live together, they’re not engaged etc., because he keeps setting these ‘goals’ she has to meet – keep her place cleaner, save X amt of money, etc. Like he’s her dad or something….very creepy. I know some of her family, and we have mutual friends, and they all think the same thing, that this guy’s a manipulative loser, but she basically either ghosts people or loses her sh*t on them if they express any concern at all, so no one bothers anymore, apparently. Really sad & pathetic stuff. I miss hanging out with her, but I’m not holding my breath hoping she’ll re-connect, or compromising my own principles, either. Sometimes you just have to shrug & wish people the best, and hope they wake up & make better decisions, and if the better decisions mean they still don’t re-connect….oh well…
Great article! I am going through a friendship break up right now. Someone I saw as my best friend, who I still have all my classes with (I’m 18 years old), ghosted me. She was ill and did not go to school for a week. When she came back, she wouldn’t look at me and ignored me during the whole day. I was really confused, because the week before we were just fine. The day after, I asked her if I could sit next to her. She looked at me and said “If you want to…”, but I could tell she really did not want me to sit there. I decided to sit alone and hoped she would tell me what was going on at lunch break.
This was 4 months ago. I still think about what went wrong. I really don’t know what I have done wrong. I just don’t understand how she could ghost me, because she knows me, I’m not someone who gets mad when confronted with anything and I am always working on myself to become a better person.
It’s really hard for me to get over this, because I see her every day. She is more social than me and hearing her laugh with others makes me so sad. I feel like I did something wrong and she is better off without me. The problem is, I have no idea what that could be, so I can not fix my behavior and I am afraid my other friends will leave me too because of it. I also dream about her telling me she’s sorry for ghosting me frequently.
I just don’t seem to get over this and I am sure it’s because I see her every day. Articles like this one help a lot, but it’s difficult to move on in this situation. If anyone has had an experience like this one, I would love to hear about it and about some coping strategies.
Thank you!
I am so sorry this happened to you. It can be incredibly difficult to deal with. I encourage you to read through the other comments here. You are NOT alone. So many people here have gone through something similar and come out stronger on the other side!!
Just had this happen to me as well by an old best friend that i had not seen in 20+ years. I got his number and re-connected. We text every day, multiple times, talked on the phone and vented life’s issues back and forth for months.. He even told me he considered me one of his very best friends. We made a plan to see one another, strictly platonic – and I felt really insecure because I look older and gained weight (I showed him pics and told him I was super insecure about it) not that I look awful but still. Anyway, we met up and spent a few hours together just chatting. Everything seemed normal. After that day, he got weird. His texts started coming less often and he stopped replying to mine like he used to. I asked what was going on and told him he could tell me but he just kept saying he was really busy. Finally, he completely stopped texting me back and completely ignored me. I sent 2 messages that went unanswered and I will never message him again. I am extremely hurt and feel almost like I am mourning. It is so depressing, not knowing what went wrong, losing a friend i had thought about for so many years. Not knowing if he was so shallow he judged my looks or if I was just annoying or something to him. I really thought we were such good friends and i cherished his friendship so much. Now I feel super dumb opening myself up like that and confiding in a person that i guess i really didn’t even know. I think what he did was really mean and he knew very well it would hurt me.
I am so sorry you experienced this. Ghosting is so hard to go through because the “not knowing” is what’s so crushing. Just know that this person was not meant to come back into your life. Things and people that are ‘for you’ in life won’t jeopardize losing you for anything. Sending you love.
I’ve been ghosted by a friend recently, and I feel like it’s really been messing me up. We’ve both been going through it because of quarantine, but we’d go on weekly walks outside to make up for lost time. Near the end our conversations became very tense, and I didn’t enjoy the pointless discussions we were having. After our last walk i tried to tell her how I felt uncomfortable about it, but after initially responding she soon stopped altogether. I’ve tried reaching out to her before, saying that I’m sorry if I said anything wrong, and that I wanted to make up, and that her prolonged silence hurt my feelings. She never responded to that either. Right now I’m really struggling with it, because we’d talk almost every day. It’s just sent me on a downward spiral of guilt because I don’t know why she’d ghost me just for expressing my discomfort.
Thank you for providing a place in the comments to talk about this. The whole situation’s left me feeling terrible.
I can totally relate to this, Suzy! It really is horrible to go through something like this and to also feel like things are left so unresolved. Sending you love!!
I just got ghosted by the person that I liked. I am very confused and sad because I was trying to get close to them so I could confess, but they just didn’t respond one day, and it continued like that. Its upsetting that I was getting so close to feeling close enough to tell them, then being totally left.
So sorry this happened to you, CJ! It can be incredibly hurtful. Hoping you’re able to heal from this experience and find someone who values you.
I first just have to say “Thank You!!.” It’s been over 10 years since my ghost last wished me Happy 23rd Birthday. I wish I knew at the time it was the last time I’d ever hear from him. Long story short, we were besties for 8 years at that point and at the end he ghosted me as a result of his wife’s wishes. And that’s fine. Two years ago, we passed each other in the Lansing Mall and he is a woman now. I wish I could express to her how proud I am of her. How I envy that confidence and how I so badly wish she could have shared that part of her life with me. Some nights I am so convinced that if I send her a song link from our past, our relationship will be re-kindled and all will be well. It’s not my place. She decided to end our relationship for her own reasons and I’m okay with that most days. Some are harder than others. I still wish she would reach out but here we are. Your experience makes it easier to understand all of this. Thanks again <3
So welcome, Arat!! I am so sorry you had to experience this.
I can completely relate to all of these messages here! Thank you for the blog and your posts as I work to get over the double whammy! I got ghosted by a best friend that was like a sister to me. (My kids even referred to her as auntie ____) and being ghosted by a work peer that I helped out significantly! The best friend just completely stopped answering calls and texts. When a mutual friend passed away – I messaged her through LinkedIn even going so far as to state that I am not sure why we are not talking. What I got back was “I hope you and your family are doing well.” I was heartbroken again.
The work person is 25 years younger than me but she left my territory as my business partner assuring me that we would remain good friends and continue to talk all the time. Sadly, I ended up in a stressful work situation and each time I called to ask for her help she was conveniently in a meeting. Apparently those meetings went for weeks at a time because she never called. That is, until she needed something from me. By that time, I was so beyond hurt that I told her I couldn’t help her because I was on vacation and out of the country. I then suggested she contact our old manager whom neither of us liked. We haven’t spoken since.
Both of these “ghosters ” were people that I went to great lengths to support and help both personally and professionally. It has made me question myself and my ability to select the right friends. I literally have decided to not have friends like that again because the pain has been deep and long. It’s history that seems to repeat itself with me where I will die on the sword for people and don’t get back what I invest. My husband tells me that my expectations are to high. I also know they say you can count your true friends in one hand. I don’t have even 1 finger up when talking about it.
The article helped because I can truly say I tried one last time to be the more mature person by reaching out to one of the ghosters and even giving her an opportunity to tell me why I am horrible and don’t deserve to have communication but for nothing. The work person sadly I heard from another long standing friend that she does this to everybody that she no longer needs. I guess I am not needed anymore. What I need to do, the lesson I am taking from this is I don’t need people like this in my life and around my kids. The question is, how do you spot these “ghosters” so you don’t have to have history repeat itself or is there some way to spot them so you can protect yourself from heartbreak again?
I think this happens to so many people. My best friend ghosted me about 5 years ago. It was really painful, and also so bizarre because she was a marriage & family counselor and I just assumed they’d frown upon doing that sort of thing to another human being. Anyway, I spent several years driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I did to cause our friendship of 25 years to dissolve. It’s tough not to get closure, but I think I’ve almost made peace with it. it’s been hard because it feels like I’m mourning someone’s death. I have to hear about her every once in a while because we have a close mutual friend between us, so if I feel myself starting to dwell in a dark place about the situation, I just remind myself to always “Go where you’re wanted.” It helps me. Much love to those who’ve been ghosted. What can I say? It sucks big time.
Thanks, Kaila, for this post! It’s been helpful!
I am so happy to hear that, Krissy! I’m sorry you’ve experienced something similar.
what if that person who gost me text me back or come to my house like nothing happen what should i do
I have a friend of about 3 years who would visit regularly and buy us groceries and gifts. Then suddenly cut all contact. She would always call us 2-3 times a week. Now no calls. I waited and no response. Shocked and confused. She appeared to be such a nice person. She was religious too. I did text and she replied she was busy and would call me but never called again.
I’m struggling to keep my sanity because this person came across as nothing but genuine and sincere. How can such a wonderful humanitarian who loves helping people just cut us off? The person is highly educated and well respected in our community. My wife can’t understand why she would do this. I suppose we are now considered trash so we are thrown away like rubbish. The person is a teacher and also teaches mindfulness so they would know they are hurting us. This person is also married to a doctor. I can understand ignorant people acting like this. She showered us with overflowing kindness for over 2 years and now just tosses us away like we are garbage. Was she ever sincere? If she was how do we explain this willingness to deal us shattering hurt. I can only reason that this person is not mentally sound or and a narcissist because I’ve never met a ‘seemingly’ more genuine person. Now however I see that she is definitely not normal emotionally or mentally to be so cruel to those she supposedly considered close friends.
I was recently the person who ghosted someone else.
This relationship was extremely toxic and in the making for almost 3 years. This person was always crossing boundaries I made clear to them, intruding in my mental health, and even as I was healing from a painful loss they still got upset at me for not being supportive of them during that time. I felt exhausted, mad, and un excited every time I interacted with them. After years of reminding them of boundaries and how they hurt me, I decided that they simply don’t listen to me. So I ghosted them. It took them a while to figure it out as I was more of a convenience friend, but they became very irate when they figured it out. This only solidified my decision for me.
I was ghosted back in 2019 by my closest friend at the time. It hurt. It still hurts. I blamed myself for what THEY did to ME, and I’ve been in this vicious battle with myself because of it. I thought that after the 6+ year long friendship we had, through everything we helped each other with, that she would give me the decency of telling me what went wrong when it went wrong, but to this day— nothing. I know that she doesn’t even think of me, she’s usually very good at ghosting and forgetting people, but I thought I would never experience that from her. I miss our friendship and the memories we had, but I don’t think she can say the same. I just need to let go, but it’s hard. It’s hard but I have to do it. I’ll say goodbye because you couldn’t. Goodbye, D. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck in life.
In the absence of someone trustworthy enough to talk with about this, I’ve decided to share my story here so I can stave off the ill effects of holding my feelings in for too long for a little while longer.
6 months ago, nearly to the day, I made the decision to ghost someone I thought I was close with.
I’ve had a strained relationship with them that really started to crumble after a screwup I caused made me despondent because I feared screwing up again by being who I am in my then-current situation. After some time, they-who-shall-not-be-named found some new people to be with, which didn’t bother me. What did bother me, however, was being talked down to afterwards. Specifically, they attributed some of the actions I took out of inexperience to selfishness instead, despite me telling them my reasoning behind what I did. They decided not to respond to me for the rest of the day. The exchange absolutely broke me and caused me to spend the following evening and night in bed doing nothing productive. It was then that I decided to discuss with them about selfishness as a last-ditch effort to save myself from doing something I’d regret.
One surprisingly civil discussion later, I’ve secretly determined that it wouldn’t be enough to save me. My thoughts then were to the effect of, “If you’re choosing to see me as selfish, let me show you just how selfish I can get!” I nearly succumbed to my desire to follow through with fully acting as their mental image of me, aggressively hounding them with outlandish demands whenever I deem it appropriate, complete with severe consequences should they refuse to comply. Somehow, some remaining part of me that still cared for them stopped my vengeful self before it could execute the plan. The best way to describe what happened next would be to say that my vengeful side and my caring side made a compromise. Instead of actually moving forward with the foolish act, I’ve decided to set status messages that hinted towards me being selfish and/or a monster, regularly changing them as I “made the transition to evil” without actually contacting the intended recipient. Eventually, they unfriended me on all the stuff we were friends in, though I don’t know if they also blocked me, as those places don’t have a clear indicator of whether a user has blocked another without attempting to do something like commenting on their profile or befriending them, and at the time, I would have been a little too afraid to try in fear of a notification on their end. With that, I had successfully (semi-)ghosted my close confidant to keep myself from doing anything worse to them.
Now, I’m dealing with compounding stress, one of the sources being the person I once thought of as a trusted companion. The lack of closure from our falling-out has finally started to eat away at me, but I can’t find them because the way some search filters work keeps me from doing so. Long before our final time talking, they also cut contact with everyone else I know who is connected with them, thus leaving me with even fewer leads, if any. Besides, even if I could easily find them, I don’t feel courageous enough to reach out quite yet, fearing what they would say about me if I tried to. So right now, my best options are to either save up enough spare cash for a therapist or to finally trust strangers with the specifics of the story. I’ll go with whichever comes first. Hopefully, whoever I choose can successfully aid me in moving on.
Funny thing, I’ve been on both sides of the ghost spectrum now. I was once ghosted by my best friend while we were in school together, and could never sort out if there was an exact moment that I had done something wrong. I had a new boyfriend, and admittedly, was probably not great at organizing time for everyone in my life at that time. I was hoping she’d be understanding and we could talk it all out eventually, but it did take a year for that to happen.
Regardless, friendship saved. I want to be understanding of her feelings, (and understanding my recent adhd diagnosis has helped me come to terms with some of my own habits.)
Fast forward to now.
My other equally close friend who I made at work about a decade ago has been around for some hard moments in my life, and vice versa. It was a chaotic few years, but I think we helped each other regularly where we could.
In a complex situation, I’ve been dating an ex of hers for a year now. I never knew either of them while they were dating (almost 10 years ago as I understand it) and admittedly I had a very different idea of their dynamic. For a while I thought things were okay, but then she admitted how hurt she really was. We gave each other space until she was ready to talk, and actually patched our relationship quite a bit.
It just didn’t stay that way, and I knew if I felt guilty in this situation, there was little I could really do, because I still care about my partner immensely. In their past, they really weren’t good to each other. Now I have a friendship where I can’t talk about my partner, and can’t see him in the same day as her, because it will hurt her feelings.
I’ve felt like I’ve been in the wrong for this entire process, but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like a situation where there is a clear wrong. She’s refused to see him so we can’t talk about it as a group. A few other friends of mine have cut off contact with her because of how her actions have hurt them in the past, but that’s a whole other conversation. I’ve been hurt by her too in different ways, but I was always quick to sweep it under the rug.
The last time we talked, it ended well, but a few things she said stuck with me, and haven’t left my head. It’s made it hard to reach out to her again, because I just keep thinking about them, and how her actions contradict the principle she wants to uphold here about exes being off limits.
Nothing is overtly her fault, but I wonder if our whole dynamic is just wrong in this situation. If I talk with her about it again, I know what she’ll say because we’ve had the same conversation a few times now. At the end of the day, we are different people. That didn’t use to be a bad thing. All of that plus the number of people she has sworn off, whom I also love and care about, it’s made it feel like I have to decide on a side just to keep my own mental wellbeing.
If they ever want to work it out again, I’ll always be willing, I just don’t want to denounce other friends that I care about anymore for their sake. I heard someone say there are not toxic people so much as there are toxic behaviors, which has been my experience with anyone I’ve ever struggled with. They wouldn’t have gotten so close at all if there hadn’t been a good reason.
I guess the only other thing is, I’m not avoiding texts or calls or meetups. There just haven’t been any. When we meet it’s usually because I message first, so if I don’t what happens?
It feels like breaking up with someone I love, and maybe it won’t be forever, but I need it for now.
Some of these stories are absolutely unbelievable and horrible but I am glad youve shared as it has shown me and other people that they are not alone. I am guilty of being the ghoster and ghostee. Now ive learned what ghosting is on hindsight it my first experience was when I was about 14 with a girl i had known since primary school. The second time was with a friend who I remained friends with all the way through high school and college up until my daughter was born in 1995. When she just blanked me in the street one day and continued to ignore me for several years only to send me an friend request on Facebook which i never accepted to much water had gone under the bridge by that point That’s two friendships I never got closure with and it had a profound effect on me for years and years. I never found out what I had done wrong but then to send me a friend request was just to bizzare,
I am so glad Ive found this page after having issues with two ‘friends’. These two women where women I met at work and worked with them for a long time. These two women where the women I thought I got on with the most. I was very friendly and supportive towards them with they first started work at the company. We went our separate ways but continued to speak to each other via social media, etc. I moved to a different part of the country. I was due to go back down on holiday to visit family. I contacted them both to see if they wanted to meet up for coffee. One said she was ill and suggested we have a rain check. The second said it was to short notice, which was true but seemed eager to meet up again. Second time I went back down I tried to arrange better in advance to give them some notice. Again, I was faced with one going away on holiday and the other one just didnt even bother to reply. This was in the space of two months. Their reasons could have been genuine but im to old to be chasing round after people so I deleted them as contacts. They had two opportunities and I just found myself thinking they were just excuses. So I suppose I ghosted them. I didnt reply asking them if they wanted to meet up again as it occurred to me that im putting more effort into this than they are and to me they just arent bothered.
The same thing has happened again when I relocated in May and started my new job. One woman I met first we hit it off instantly. Unfortunately she left abruptly but was really keen and eager to keep in touch so we swapped numbers. We said we’d meet up and go out etc. I send her a message a week ago asking her if she was ok and enjoying her new job. Havent heard back from her. I am tempted to send her another message asking if everything is ok but she has obviously read the message and for whatever reason hasnt responded. Even a simple explanation or ‘yeah im fine, just busy’ message. Now i’m left hanging as to whether its worth bothering her again because that’s how I feel and I hate bothering people.
I ghosted my ex partner of 14 years, 5 years ago but that’s a long story. May be i’m the problem.
I am so glad I found this page. And thank you for all who shared your stories. As a person who is just going thru a friend of 10years ghosting me. It really really helped.
It’s like I finally was able to unload my feeling, validate it and found a direction.
My story.
She and I became friends about 10 years ago, when she just lost her husband and started going out with her new BF.
And I just finalized my divorce and started going out with my Bf at that time who is currently my husband.
We took trips together, lunches & phone calls. Group texts together.
Invited her to my house. She is a fitness instructor for dance group fitness. So we saw each other every week.
There was a time, when she started her new class. I made sure I supported her by showing up to her class since it was a very few people (sometime 2-3) students there.
And in the 10 years we also developed many many mutual friends they the dance fitness.
I sort of always played a support role to her.
Now I go back and think about it. The friendship was never 50/50.
She would never ask me about my work or tell me have a safe trip if I have to go out of town for my work or see my kids.
But I guess she doesn’t need me anymore.
She started ghosting me about 2 month now.
It became so obvious. So I messaged her to see what’s going on and if I said or do anything to upset her.
No answer.
So I texted her again asking her I would appreciate if she can be civil.
At least say “hi” because we will see each other thru mutual friends and at gyms.
Still no answer.
I think it is so cowardly and disrespectful.
Especially to a person who was there for a long time.
And guess what. She doesn’t seem to mind ranting on social media tho!
So stupid. If you don’t have a nerve to say to a face. Don’t say at all.
But she would post things like
“Quietly jealous to me “ or “backstabber”
I’m like…. Let me see … if I think of all life categories like, kids, job, family, finance, health, I am very happy with where I am blessed in many ways. And mine comes with loyal friendship to top that.
Anyway, she shows aggression to everyone in the world hinting for someone. While she ghosting me.
What an immature action.
But It did give me a chance to realize that she actually hasn’t been a good friend to me.
I just liked her so I stuck with her.
It’s time for me to trim the fat of me. It hurts but it’s also not my choice obviously.
At least I can communicate to some mutual friends so they understand my side of story. When she starts to lie about this.
Yeah, I’ve been ghosted 3 times now by friends who said they are my best friend.
This article has been helpful. I don’t seem to totally grasp that my closest, truest friend is nobody but myself.
This was posted a while ago but wow these responses make me feel so not alone.
In the past (high school days about 10 years ago) I did ghost some friends after we all graduated. I felt that I was growing In life and the path they were taking was not one I wanted or saw my self taking. I was respectful about it and did it gradually not just from one day to the next. I realized as I got older that I could and should have been more open about it since I know more about feelings now.
Recently I was ghosted by a coworker of a few years. We started working together around the same time and we would always pair up and do what had to be done. Over time I looked at her as best friend not just a co worker, we went through break ups, life issues, going out and enjoying our single lives, and many other things together. She silently left the area we work at and moved to another area in the same building. When she did tell me she left she said it was due to personal reasons and I responded letting her know that I whole heartedly understood and she had to do what was best for herself. Few weeks pass she removed all her social media, I’ve seen her a few times and she doesn’t look at me or even say a word. I was taken by surprise and never really understood why she went about it the way she did but I’ve accepted it. I told my self at the end of the day she was just that, a coworker. It’s sad and disappointing but I’ve learned to say “if it won’t matter or benefit me 20 years from now then it shouldn’t matter right now.”
I’m very sorry to anyone who has experienced this, the universe works in ways we will never understand until we fully understand ourselves. Always be kind to others as you never know why or how they’re trust issues may have been brought upon them, we are all silently going through battles we fear we may never win or understand 💕.
Thank you for sharing your story!!
I was ghosted by a group a couple of years ago – I’m in my 40s and we had all been friends as a group since our early teens. The sort of friends who buy group presents for birthdays and have little rituals like Christmas Eve dinners in a specific place for decades. It started when one of us got married and excluded me from the bridal party. I was hurt but I did accept it and still had to organise much of the hen do, which was weird but it seemed there was a friendship line there I never knew existed. Comments were made about how I had to be sure not to wear anything “similar to the bridesmaids” at the wedding. Fast forward a few years, I’m the one who doesn’t have children and I just stopped being included in plans. I had a bout of depression and wasn’t able to go to everything. I tried to explain but was told I wasn’t making any effort. Then boom all three of them stopped communicating with me at all. I still don’t know what I did wrong, other than have a hard time for a while and not reproduce(!) writing this has been cathartic as sometimes my heart still hurts. I had to delete myself from their social media as all the photographs of them meeting up and rejoicing in being “all together” like I never existed were so painful. I guess sometimes even long term friends aren’t really friends if they treat you with contempt and don’t value you.
Thank you for sharing your story! Sending you so much love.
I lost my baby during pregnancy and I sought counselling to help with the grief and mourning. The pain from the loss of my baby was as painful as the pain I felt because my childhood friend ghosted me 5 years ago. Because I never properly mourned the loss of that friendship, it came flooding back with the baby loss. My therapist told me to write a letter to her, saying everything I wanted to say, pour out all my emotions and say goodbye, and then do something cathartic with the letter-burn it, shred it, send it in a bottle away, tear it into pieces, mash it in water and flush it down the toilet.
I thought she was being ridiculous, but tried it anyway. I have just finished writing my letter, almost 5 pages long and I feel so so so so so so much better. The ghosting was not about me, it was about her, and I am okay with that. I just have to accept that she thinks this is the best way for her, she probably doesn’t have the emotional maturity to have whatever uncomfortable conversation she was anticipating, or maybe she is in a place where making a totally selfish decision is the right thing for her, I will never know, and that is okay.
This is my story:
My friend of 20 years, my oldest and best friend ghosted me. Z and I have been best friends since we were ten years old, we were born one day apart in the same year and we always say we were sisters born to different mothers. We experienced so many firsts throughout teenagehood and in our twenties, breakups, parent divorce, we moved cross country together, we knew everything about each other, we set each other up with boyfriends, we talked about growing old together, I thought she was my person. Just out of the blue, close to Christmas, we were supposed to meet and she didn’t show up. I was so scared, I called everyday, text, nothing. For a whole week, I thought she was dead. Luckily her brother responded and said, ‘ she lost her phone, this is her new number’, but then she never picked up, never responded to text, emails, fb, instagram, linked in, sent messages through her family, our mutual friends, nothing! It’s been 5 years now, every birthday, Christmas, Easter, I kept calling, texting and hoping she would respond. I would never understand what I did, what went wrong. I am just glad she is alive. Finally, this year, on the 5 year anniversary of her ghosting me, I have poured out all my emotions on paper, and I can finally let her go. I don’t have to ask why anymore, or seek any explanation, because it is outside my control, I just have to say, thank you, and goodbye.
“I just have to accept now that you were a friend for a season, the memories are good and I will always remember them fondly, but now I am letting you go. I forgive you for all the hurt because I believe the ghosting is not about me, but about you. Anytime I remember you now, I will just smile and let it go. You were my friend for a season, and there is nothing wrong with that. I thought we were supposed to be in each other’s lives forever, but now I know that you won’t be. You were my friend for a season.” Goodbye forever, Z. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck in life.
Thank you for sharing your story!
I was ghosted by my best friend of 5 years. His name is Kyle Diamant. We both are in the Santa Clarita, CA. We were so close. We did everything together. We were basically brothers. He never explained it to me. I tried to reach out so many ways but he still didnt respond. I have been blocked everywhere by him. It has been almost 2 years since he ghosted me and I still have not let it go. I want him to feel the pain he made me feel mentally. I just feel like he is a soulless person with no heart at all. His mom also controls his entire life. I still dont know what to do. Let it go? I have talked to so many people about it. How do I just let it go? I want him to still see this and see that he still has me hurt. I still dont know what to do.
So sorry you’ve experienced this, Ryan!
Oh, my, how this has spoken to my heart today! First of all, I’ve learned a new term for what has just happened to my husband and I – ghosting. I am married and we had some wonderful friends, we thought, and we shared some lovely times. He had chickens gave us eggs and in return I would bring him a banana pudding. We all went out to eat regularly and were best of friends. My husband and the other guy texted each other every morning. We supported each other in all things. Then one day it all just stopped! We never heard from them any more. My hubby would text, call and even went over to their house. He asked, what did I do? If we said or did anything to offend you please know we’re sorry. We couldn’t think of anything we had done. I finally got through to my lady friend and she talked with me but just said they had so much going on and she was sad – didn’t make sense. Anyway, I shared all of this with another friend who knows both of us. She took my friend who had ghosted me out to lunch and found out that the reason they turned on us was that we had chosen another couple over them! My friend said – that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. You mean you won’t be my friend if I have other friends? So, I’m working on the ‘you’re very imature and we didn’t really realize it and trying to let go’ part. Thank you for bringing this up and I see by all of the comments, it’s quite common and now I have a word to call it.
Be a sweetie,
Shelia 😉
You are so welcome, Shelia! Sending you love.
I know this post is several years old. But I’m so glad that I found it. I’m also heartbroken to read how common this is. So many replies from people who had relationships as long as mine. It baffles my mind as to how you can just cut off contact one day with a person you’ve known since you were 13 At the age of 43. My friend and I have been friends for 30 years. And although we have been through some rough patches, we have talked about those issues and I thought overcame them. Years ago. We grew into adults together, our families are intertwined. And I think the reason why it’s so hard for me to just get over it is because every day someone asks me about a post she made on Facebook or whatever. And it sucks because I have to then say, I don’t know I haven’t talk to her since July 2021. And then of course the next question is, oh my god what happened? Then you have to say, I don’t know. I will say we are in different stages of our lives. She got married really young and now she’s divorced and living her best life in her 40s. And I’m very happy for her. I am married and have settled down and have younger children. But when the roles were reversed I always made time to hang out with her when she couldn’t go do the party scene. Which she still did sometimes, I just got to do it more. but nonetheless I don’t feel like I’ve ever made her not do anything because I can’t or don’t want to now! She moved about 10 hours away in our late 20s. She got divorced while she was down there and decided to come back home about 6 years ago. I was there for her every step of the way. Physically, emotionally, a little financially. I drove down after work with a car full of people overnight to help her move back. I feel like I’ve been there for her for a lot of the important things. And she has also been there for me at many important times as well. Things changed a little bit when she came back home, but I understand because when you go through a break up and become newly single your life changes. And you have to do what you have to do to keep yourself happy. I was going through some mental health issues. And back then she told me that she loved me but she didn’t wanna hang out as much because basically I was a Debbie downer. And I totally understood that. We still talked all the time. I just kept my issues to myself. That was five years ago or more. And it’s literally been that way ever since. I’m not mad about this or upset about it. I get it. Plus when I’m not doing well I tend to pull myself away from everyone. Because I just need to get my head an order. Plus nobody wants to be around somebody that’s depressed. It is what it is. But knowing that she said that, when I wasn’t doing very well I wasn’t always as available as normal. But, I would send a text and say love you not doing well. Would love to hang out soon. Hope all is well. Call me if you want to talk or whatever. And I just wouldn’t say anything about what’s going on with me. We were just chat like we always did. The reason I say this is because I’ve literally gone through a years worth of messages to figure out what the hell I did. In July 2021 is when I really kind of felt like she didn’t wanna hang out with me anymore. I would ask her to go shopping she would tell me she couldn’t because she had other plans with other people. Fine not a big deal. But this one specific day she said I can’t stop over or do anything because I already have plans, but I’m going to my aunts tomorrow I’ll stop at your house on the way back. She never stopped over, and never really text or called me since then. About 3 or 4 months later, I don’t get on Facebook very often but an old friend of ours was sick and passed away so she got a hold of my husband to make sure that I read her message on Facebook about what was going on. And her message said, I know we don’t talk a lot anymore but so and so isn’t doing well blah blah blah. I told her thank you and I would get a hold of another friend of ours. Then on my birthday in December 20 21 she text me happy birthday I love you. I was sick with Covid and just replied thank you I love you too. I have logged onto Facebook to see if there’s anything that I could figure out what the hell happened. And she still will repost our memories and tag me like it’s so weird to me. I didn’t know this right away but my husband reached out to her I think in November or some thing to ask her what the hell was going on because I had been crying and finally opened up to him about it. She told him that she just had to walk away because she got tired of me not showing up and ghosting her when plans were made and she just can’t participate in a relationship like that anymore. And while I understand everybody has their own point of you, I just don’t understand how that is a truthful point of you. I showed my husband all of our messages she was the one who would not make plans. Because she was so busy. I even asked her in August if I did something to upset her because I felt her pulling away. She said no I’m just super busy right now I’ll get a hold of you next week and we can have a visit. And she just never messaged me again except for those other times to tell me happy birthday and about our friend. I can live with the fact that we’ve grown apart. But I feel like 30 years of a friendship, actually more like family I deserve a conversation. I’m a grown ass woman, you can tell me, hey I don’t wanna hang out with you for whatever reason. It might still hurt but but I can respect that. What I don’t respect is being treated like a one night stand or a guy you met on a dating app who’s annoying. And you just never reply back. We have been through a lot together from our childhood to adulthood. There are times in my life when she’s the only person I would talk to. And vice versa. And I feel like whatever is going on is extremely deceitful. Because of what she said to my husband. Because I cannot come to a resolution of how what she said it was truthful at all. And that’s what hurts the most. I have never written to her to say what did I do, what is going on. Because I feel like showing her vulnerability is just going to hurt me more because she obviously doesn’t care. And when I asked before she said nothing she was busy. ButI will say it’s crazy to me that I’m not the only one going through this. Because I just don’t understand. Like I said boyfriend and dating is totally different than friendships that have turned into family. My kids called her mom grandma. They call her aunt. I gave her Child his first bath. Like we were more than friends. And I just can’t think of what I possibly could have done to be treated like such trash. This is still pretty fresh for me. And like I said it’s hard because I’m asked almost daily about some thing that’s going on in her life. And I don’t want people to talk badly about her or whatever. Because I truly do love her and wish her nothing but the best. I just wish I meant enough to her and was worthy of a conversation.
Sending you love!! No one should have to experience this.
I am so glad to not be alone. I am sorry others are going through this but it’s like a group therapy site I feel. I have been ghosted twice and am going through it now again. Reading everyone’s experiences is so helpful and I can tell everyone here: it’s not your fault. I am going through all the same emotions too, the doubt, the depression, the obsessing, the mourning and wondering if I can ever be that close to anyone again. All in all: yes, even though they ghosted me now and it hurts and is a complete shock, the years of friendship were worth it and I was lucky to have had a best friend at all.
My story: I have been best friends with a person for over 10 years. We did our PhDs together, immediately bonded, both found that we had a fantastic emotional connection and also common interests. We both studied psychology and have high emotional intelligence so am very surprised this is happening. He was best man at my wedding and I at his, we were proper best friends and open about it. We stayed in touch even after he moved to another country but then I realized these past weeks we were speaking less and I was asking him about it and he just kept saying he was busy. I kept planning for a trip together and when we finally were going to buy tickets he said I should go ahead without considering his dates. When I said I think something is wrong he kept denying it until he finally admitted it and said he thought we were growing in different directions and needed space and time. He refused to talk to me and has since not replied to my messages, ironically saying I shouldn’t try to make him feel guilty and he doesn’t want to hurt me (as if this is “not” hurtful). He is fully self aware but clearly has become a different person and probably isn’t secure enough to tell me which is so unlike him. My old friend would have said anything to me, talked to me about anything, and despite how much I told him I was there and would be happy to talk and sure we could iron it out he does not engage. At this point I can’t imagine anything but a huge apology and admittance to being an ass could repair our bond but something is lost forever.
Conclusion: I love friendship, it’s a very important part of my life. I always lived by the concept of having many good friends but few best ones. I am lucky to have a good support group and be surrounded by a lot of love in my life and I hope everyone here is able to build that, don’t give up! You are all clearly good people who are mature and just want to create meanigful connections with others. If someone ghosts you remember they don’t deserve your trust anymore, protect yourself but don’t close up to the world. We clearly all could use a friend in times like these 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story, Jay! I agree. This page has definitely become like a group therapy session in some ways. You are not alone and your friend’s decisions do not reflect what kind of person or friend you are…that’s on them.
This is an older post but I have a story so I bonded with this “friend” at work told her some really secretive stuff and I asked if she wanted to hangout after work she was all good then the time came for us to hangout nothing She said she was in contact with covid I said ok fair enough I would call her she would ignore it and text me let me know she can’t talk at the moment and I waited waited and waited but never got to hear back worst of all she came to visit work and avoided me all day! So immature!
Very immature. So sorry!!
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I’ve know this friend for over 15 years as work colleagues and potential business partners. I should have know it’s my turn when she turned on her own sisters and brothers.
What I don’t get is the suddenness: one minute they are taking you for your covid booster and having tea with your family, the next you are labelled the “crazy” who they want to ghost.
It’s senseless because all it tells me is that they have not emotionally developed intrinsically and will justify their avoidance behaviour as being the norm. I find this as being an attribute of an narcissistic personality who think their behaviour is right.
A word of advise if you can’t say it, put it in a letter and state that you do not want contact. Atleast that person get closure.
Your loss mate not mine. I am loyal to my friends, if you don’t want that kind of friendship then there are others that do. Enjoy your life. Karma is real and I hope one day you face yours.
Today is the day when I get closure.
YES!!! You get closure NOW. So sorry you went through this.
I am going through this right now, with a friend I considered very close. I go from hurt to anger to numbness and back again. I know I’ll get over it in time, but I wish I could just move on, which isn’t that easy of course, but I CAN DO THIS. Thank you for posting this. You helped. I feel less alone.
I am so sorry this is happening to you but I am happy this post provided you with some comfort! You are definitely not alone.
I was also just recently ghosted by a female fiend. Unfortunately this is the society that we are living in now. Facebook twitter dating apps cell phones til tok etc. everyone is disposable now. But I always believe in karma what goes around comes around
Definitely true! So sorry you’ve experienced the same as thing as so many others here.
I’m so thankful I found this article. It’s helping me pull through the ghosting that just happened today. I’ll be the first to admit that I suck at making friends. Im socially awkward and led a very shelterec life as child. This led to me not being able to recognize if I’ve offended someone with what I’ve said. I still struggle with this. However, I try to mitigate this by telling someone I’m starting a new relationship with that if I do or say anything that makes you uncomfortable please let me know. Open communication is the only way I’ll learn to change. My goal as a friend is to make you feel better about yourself.
With all that said, I hired a sitter so i could go to the gym a couple of times a week. The person I found and i hit it off imediately and we became good friends very quickly. I told her the above and that I can come on too strong sometimes. Please let me know. She said the same thing to me. We talked about anything and everything. She genuinely loved my kids and i hers. We were excited to see each other when we made plans. She had a situation come up where she couldn’t watch my daughter anymore but we still kept the friendship going. Then her phone got shut off. She was able to send messages when at the library and I was able to invite her over for my son’s birthday party. She came we had a blast she gave me and invitation to her son’s party.
Her phone still wasn’t working and she didn’t respond to any messages I sent. I didn’t think anything of it because it had taken her several days to respond. She didn’t go to the library everyday after all. However, I needed to know what her son wanted for his birthday. I stress that I don’t do this but with me believing she couldn’t recieve any type of phone communication I stopped by to ask the birthday question. She wasn’t home but I messaged her anyway letting her know that I stopped by. Like I said, I know enough not to show up unannounced but I felt it was the only option.
Today she finally messaged me back. She didn’t want to stay in contact anymore. That she was sure I didn’t mean it but I’ve said things that made her feel bad and she needs to work on her mental health and goodbye. This came completely out of left field. I cannot for the life of me remember anything. We went from talking every day, buying our daughters matching outfits, making plans for the summer to this.
Yall, when I say I might be offensive it’s usually due to a dirty joke. I just don’t understand. Living in a military town with no family nearby with my husband deployed, I treasure any friend i can make. I would never intentionally make someone feel bad and for the love of god to let me know. We often talked about the same subjects frequently. Why can’t people just communicate? It’s the unknown for sure. Was it really me, was my own mental health ( I suffer from depression and anxiety) bringing hers down, or could it have been her projecting if I said something that made her recognize her down flaws?
The worst thing about this whole situation trying to come up with a reason for my children to understand why they can’t see their friends anymore.
Sorry for the long post. This just happened today.
Hi Kate! I am SO SORRY you’ve experienced this and that it’s such a fresh wound. I’m glad this post was able to provide you with some comfort. You are not alone.
I was recently ghosted by a dog-sitter my husband and I had done business with for years. We always paid on time and tipped well, showed up when we said we would, etc. She always said she loved keeping our dog and that he was no trouble at all. She had agreed to dog sit for us over the weekend then, when we reached out regarding details, she never responded in spite of several texts, emails and phone calls from both of us. We saw that she had posted her whereabouts on facebook over the weekend so we know nothing happened to her – she evidently just changed her mind and decided to not communicate with us about it. It’s hard to fathom why a business owner would treat loyal, paying customers this way but I will writing reviews about her business everywhere I can as it’s extremely unprofessional behavior. Ghosting is something done by people who are extremely immature, untrustworthy and who have zero empathy – sort of something a sociopath would do.
So sorry this happened to you!!
I guess my situation would top most here. I am now older and worked many years in construction and needed a couple of surgeries thar would leave me incapable of caring for myself for months. A homeless female friend was sitting on my door step waiting for me to come home. I asked her what was up she said I came to help you I know you have no one. She cared for me for months before I recovered from spinal surgery and double hernia surgery within a week..we became so close I wanted to help her she needed a place to live I allowed her to stay and after a awhile it got into romantic and she asked me to marry her . I lived my friend so it seemed like a great idea and over two years things went well I got her all the medical care and got her mental health care and got her off court cases against her and once she was doing well she left while I was at work ghosted me and divorced without a word of communication… I went thru alot of pain and tears because I loved my with and friend I was buy her a home and planned a future….just when things were starting to lessen after 6 month I met this absolutely beautiful sexy lady in tears and distress. I made contact and we became friend I had empathy for her and tried to boost her self worth by comlamenting her everyday saying good morning all the time spending our weekends together playing pool, cards ,and going bowling .we did breakfast lunch and supper spent all our time together. I let her know from day one I was attracted but was a true friend to her never looked at her sexually always treated her like a lady..changed her deamor completely she held her head high and was a beautiful lady happy funny and fun… things between us as friends were going great never a disagreement totally matched on everything finished each other’s sentences or thoughts when talking…spent alot of alone time playing cards listening to music or with the TV on. Went to the lake for walks or just to get out . We really were so compatable as friends it was amazing how much fun we had. I was always a gentlemen to her never touched her when alone kept my distance and treated her as the lady she was and had total respect for her…she even on many occasions said I had a fantastic time thank you and said goodnight. One Saturday morning we had talked nothing unusual she was a little stressed because she didn’t get a apartment she applied for she claimed. Told her I was sorry and it was only the first one there will be others…she went about her business and me mine an hour later I went to talk to her she was gone I called no answer after ringing many times I text and emailed no answer… I had bonded to her and loved ir was in love with our friendship it had taken me from that dark place and given me back my self confidence and worth again and made me feel good that this beautiful lady had chosen me to be her friend I was so proud and honored to be seen with her out to dinner or anywhere. She was the type of lady when she entered a room every single guy and half the married men noticed no matter who they were with or what they were doing you could just see all the heads turn when we entered. We looked like the perfect couple because I am not bad looking myself and we use to joke about it that we were friends and they had no idea what we were doing . I had the most fun with her more than any other female in my life with my clothes on.. this ghosting has totally devastated me so soon after my wife pulled the same thing.going on two months the pain and tears are horrible I can’t function I starve all the time because I don’t want to go our anywhere and when I do memories flood my mind and I have to rush home before I break out in tears again. I dont know what to do this seems to hurt as much as losing a romantic relationship but we were just friend so it’s confusing. Never was falling in love or lived her other than friend but the pain is real I feel it Noth mentally and physically…I had my first panic attack in my life from this a week ago at 65 and now anxiety grips me and depression..lost as to how to cope with this
I don’t exactly agree that being ghosted by a friend Is sometimes harder than a romantic partner… Because your PARTNER, should be all those things you mentioned and more. Your partner is “supposed to be there for you no matter what, especially after you’ve gone through a lot with them, confided in them (and they in you), and made specific promises to each other to never walk out of each other’s life without explanation.” Your partner is supoosed to be there for you, for better or for worse. Your partner is the person you are sharing your intimate life with and planning a future with. I have been ghosted by both friends and a boyfriend, and as much as it hurt me when my friends ghosted me -it was agonizing to be ghosted by my boyfriend after 2 years together. How could they say they ever loved you if they could be so cruel and selfish to just cease all contact without any explanation or closure. Ir was far worse than being ghosted by my “best friend”
Your article makes it sound like I can discuss my feelings with the person. But, if they have ghosted me, there is no communication with them. I am trying to understand my “friend’s” situation. (Friends for over 25 years.) She went through cancer and changed the way she lives. She has a mentor that is channeling her ancestors, mediating and doing Reiki…so quite a different person. I thought I was being supportive and never expressed any negativity about her new found lifestyle…but, she has chosen to end all communication with me. Trying to let it go.
I’m so glad I have read all your messages, thank you .
Luckily for me it was a newish friendship of around 1 year,
I have no idea why she has decided to Ghost several weeks ago, she sent a voice message with mixed messages about being ill, but not ill, not to speak to anyone in the village about this mysterious illness , that she still wanted to groom my dogs but no more than that as laying low !
I continued to wave if I passed her with a neighbour who she has become very friendly with but realised she would either pretend she didn’t see me or stoop to pat her dog !!
I was shocked when it finally dawned on me she was ghosting me !!
At first I was hurt , then angry at the immaturity of a 57 year old women to stoop to this behaviour !
Thank goodness I had only invested my friendship with this woman for a short time , her behaviour has proved to me she had never been worthy of my friendship she was a Manipulator and Toxic .
Unfortunately its my next door neighbour so I will still see her out and about a few times a week ,
I will not be waving !
I had a gf of 6 years ghost me, less than 3 months after my
Second parent died. I wasnt particiarly sharing about that parent or my upset about my loss, not that it should matter. I was so angry hurt and disgusted- that last adjective being the one I held onto. Most of the hurt was from realizing her potentially nepharious motives for being friends wirh me, in the first place! She loved the way I built her up. Funny, I think from her perspective, things were going well for me when she ghosted me despite that my mother had just died. Things were happennikg for me that maybe I didnt care about so much that maybe she wanted, in lofe. I also see some mistakes I made over the course of the friendship- but these were cleaned up and amended, in the moment and hopefully all friendships have room
For the kind of mistakes I had made. I see her differently- very differently- that’s the hardest part. It’s
Not even the friendship that I miss so much, it’s the disgust of how the friendship unraveled and ended without a willingness to talk despite my loving suggestions to do so, that I’m left with that hurts the most. And without a Massive apology, initiated by her, I’d never go back. She also said to a mutual friend of ours (that I brought to her life), “did Cheryl tell you were aren’t speaking”? She prmptly went i to the jever again box ar that moment. Maybe she didn’t understand this piece but perhaps her own karma will
show her down the line.
Can I also say that I stopped seeing our mutial friends which was, oddly, a slight relief. I never felt that connected with them and they were, frankly, a frequent part of our nightlife that left me feeling a bit empty. I’ve met other friends who have been lovely and truly a much better fit for who I want to be. Yes, it was a deep friendship that suddently
Traumatized me, unnecesarily, and at a time that was gross to do that to anyone nmw (Very shortly after the death of my secondparemt). But, the reality is, I’ve been oddly slightly better off. I never felt That great about how I felt seen in that friend’s eyes, at times, and always on the sidelines low key wondered why she lent such an ear and cared so much lol I played the role but I didn’t truly love her the way I loved my best best friends. Maybe she felt that.
I was just ghosted by a friend of more than 5 years. It’s awkward because we have a good friend in common who, understandably, doesn’t want to get in the middle of it. I’m a kind person and I can’t fathom what I might have said or done that would cause her to say “I need to distance myself” to our mutual friend. I’m embarrassed and sad and angry. I’m moving so it won’t be as “noticeable” in my life in a few weeks but it hurts. I’ve stuck up for this person in groups for years. Only to be treated this way. I’ve been ghosted before and now having a real hard time envisioning any new friendships due to trust. I have other friends and yet this one person has made me feel so lonely. I tried texting and apologizing for anything I may have done, offering to talk about it. Our kids are friends too so I just can’t imagine cutting someone off and not letting my kids see their friends.
Thanks for this article. I have recently been ghosted by a ‘friend’ of 32 years, so just trying to work my way through that. Its certainly an unpleasant experience, particularly when they also seem to have roped in the rest of their family, which I always considered surrogate family. I ghosted someone once – different circumstances, but now I know how it feels and won’t do that again.
This was really helpful for someone who has never been ghosted before. I feel so much better about letting go of that friend.
So happy you found it helpful!!
While it makes me sad to see that so many people have experienced this, I am so grateful for everyone who has shared their stories! I’ve recently realized that my best friend of the past few years has been ghosting me. She is a new mother and I loved her little girl like a niece. The last few time we saw each other we had a great time like always. I texted her each month since to let her know I am thinking of her or to share something that reminded me of her with no response. Last week I tried to call her and left her a voicemail wishing her well and acknowledging I hadn’t heard from her in a while. She continues to post on social media, ignoring my own posts, my texts, and my voicemail. Yesterday I met with a mutual friend who excitedly said “Oh, I bet you already knew this but she is pregnant again!” I didn’t know this. Last year I was the first person she told when she found out she was pregnant with her first. I have cried and obsessively gone over in my head every possible reason she no longer wants to include me in her life but I come up with nothing. It is comforting to read the stories of those who made it to the other side of these feelings – I really look forward to that!
You are definitely not alone!!
I understand your pain. My adult niece ghosted me. We’ve had an odd relationship since she came back into my life five years ago. I was estranged from her sociopathic father, and he turned his four children against me. After he died, I reached out to them, but she was the only one who was interested in having a relationship with me, but she limited that relationship to FB messages. She refused my invitations to get together, and I often saw photos of their parties on my feed, which I was never invited to. It made me feel rejected. A couple of years ago, I told her about some childhood abuse I’d suffered, and she said, “I’ll get back to you on that later. I’m busy right now.” And she never did. That hurt, but time passed, and we moved on, continuing to text each other occasionally. She wrote to me a month ago, and we exchanged some messages about the happenings in our lives. In my last one to her, I told her about a personal problem I’m having, and she ghosted me. For me, that was it. I was done. I realized that we were never going to have a normal relationship. I also realized that she doesn’t want to hear about my problems, which tells me that she doesn’t really care about me. And now, though it hurts, I’m trying to move on. I started by putting her and her siblings on my restricted friend list.
I was ghosted by someone who I didn’t even really know existed till she kept interjecting in conversations at church. She eventually asked me if I could watch her house while out of town, she seemed down to earth & genuine stating she couldn’t wait to get back so we could hang out… but when she got back she kept blowing me off and always having excuses. I didn’t really understand why someone would try so hard to get noticed by you just so they could use you and then ignore you but she mentioned her mom playing toxic games like that so maybe it is just kinetic we hand it down or plain old toxic behavior. She will be here at a Friendsgiving Thanksgiving, Im just gonna keep my cool and avoid interaction.
Thank you for writing this post. Going through this right now and reading this and the comments makes me realize im not alone. Adult friendships are hard! Although in my situation i was sent a vague text message that they are not interested in our friendship and then I was blocked. No conversation. The rumination about what i did or didnt do wrong is probably the most sinister part.
You are so welcome! So sorry you’re going through this.
I am in my later 50s and was ghosted by my best childhood friend. We often lived hundreds of miles apart and there would be long gaps in communication but we would pick up easily over and over (we took turns reconnecting – it always seemed “even” and was never tense) and always reached out to one another when there were big life events. I finally moved back home and close to her and we had her and her husband over to dinner. Everyone got along well, it seemed. They live sort of like hippies (their words) and did make quite a few comments about our home being big. We bought a home with 5 bedrooms to accommodate kids and elderly parents (and could afford it by buying a home with some drawbacks on a busy street). She never contacted me again after the dinner. I can only speculate that her husband harped on how different we were (read: he thinks we are materialistic) and I’ve heard him be judge-y before. I can see on social media that she gets together with others from childhood and she never lets me know, which she would have in the past. As much as it makes me sad — and even angry — I have not sought clarity from her. I don’t have tons of friends, but I have enough true friends to keep me feeling happy, and I do not want to spend precious time with someone so willing to drop me like this. I remain surprised – she was not like this growing up, but I think her husband’s influence is an issue. I will move on, protect my heart, and appreciate venues like this to read and vent from sympathetic people who understand!
So sorry to hear this! You are not alone.
I want to ghost a friend because she was being mean to me, and I felt like she was being a toxic friend. I planning to ignore her and not reply to her messages. She is probably not going to ask why, but I really don’t care. All that I care about is to move on with my friendships and find better, new, more encouraging friends. I had always had trouble with friendships, it always seemed like my “friends” disapprove of me. Thank you for posting this article, it helped me a lot.
You are welcome!!
I had a friend who was a former coworker of mine. He initiated talking and hanging out with me. A lot of times I listened to him about his struggles and issues. I normally don’t mind people ghosting me if we weren’t friends for very long, as in less than a month, but we were friends for over a year and used to text or hang out a few times a month.
He then got more obsessed about his appearance and fitness and wanted to hit on girls all the time. Once he started that he said he was too busy to text, but gave me his address so I could send an invite for my wedding coming up. I have friends to where we won’t talk for a while, but they will still respond after a month. People are busy and I totally get it.
I gave him space and time, about four months, and he hasn’t responded. I have a good idea about why he stopped talking. It felt rude since I’m trying to plan a wedding and he hasn’t said a word. He even works nearby where I live and has ghosted our other friend that he knew longer than me. I feel silly taking it so personally, but I felt like we were starting to be really good friends.
Now I’ve unfriended him on Facebook and if I have to see him I just avoid him. It’s tough since I take my friendships seriously and thought I’d be over it by now. I will try to talk to more friends about it and see if it helps. I’ve ghosted a couple times by friends in the past and I got through it so despite how I feel right now; I’m optimistic for the future.
So sorry you’ve been through this but I am happy to hear you’re feeling optimistic!! 🙂
First, thank you for posting such an amazing article on this topic. I am going through the exact same thing right now with a friend who I felt we had a strong bond since we met. When things are good we are on top of the world together and I feel like we are family. But, we had a simple argument last week in which I walked away from and yet, he continued to insult me got a little physical. However, I know we all have our bad moments so I wanted to be a friend and let him have his moment, However, he has not spoken to me since that day EVEN though he was very hurtful and aggressive towards. We’ve been through a lot so far as friends and I am very hurt that I can not even get a face to face apology. Especially considering that I WOULD NEVER do him that way. I am in between ended the friendship and trying to see if we can work through this. But, I am battling with if am truly ready to lose this friend. I try to ignore it and act like it does not bother me but, it does and I really want to be honest and fair to myself. I really want to make the best decision because loyal people are hard to find these days. But, I refuse to be disrespected or not have the same energy reciprocated.
The suddenness of ghosting is what makes it so bizarre. No warning. Like being in the middle of a phone conversation and the line just goes dead. Permanently. But the more I read on the subject the more I realize that for the ghoster, the relationship was probably hanging by a thread for a long time before it broke. For me, that’s what makes it tragic. The loss is on both sides. I lost my friend suddenly whereas she lost me gradually. I mistook her tolerance of certain attitudes for agreement. Especially concerning her family. The anger I felt towards them for the abuse they doled out to her was not mine to express in the manner I did. She forgave them. I could not and there was nothing she could do to change that. I wrote her a letter acknowledging this fact, let her know I would respect her unspoken ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you’ request, thanked her for the great memories and love and said goodbye. Yeah, it hurts the way all serious loss hurts but after reading that ghosting can be a safe way for an abused person to avoid more pain, I’m glad I didn’t lash out.
I thought I had found a good friend, someone to talk to and listen also. A quick no notice move from the area and I became damaged goods. A text here and there. I was told I was a good man.
A month later I was ghosted, no explanation !
It hurt so bad, worse than a death. I accept it’s over but why not just step up and tell me WHY ?
I want to move on but can not with that hanging over me.
So sorry to hear this.
I think I’m being ghosted now for the 2nd time by my best friend I’ll call “Michelle”. Today is her birthday and I was trying to figure out if I should send her a “happy birthday” text when I saw this article.
The background – we are both 57 and there were 3 of us who became close friends when we were 12 (me, Michelle and “Diane”). Over the years, sometimes I felt Michelle and Diane were closer and I was a bit left out but we all still cared for each other and were close (for example in our 30’s, I would ask Diane to go do things and she usually didn’t seem interested so I kinda quit asking). We all got married in our 20’s and were all in each other’s weddings – our kids all knew each other since they were born.
When we were almost 40, Michelle moved away due to her husband’s job. We kept in touch by phone – Diane and I visited her with our kids and we talked frequently. The move was hard for Michelle and they were considering moving back near me and Diane. During a phone call with Michelle about neighborhoods they may move to, I was encouraging Michelle to move close to me – she made a comment to the affect that they would want a better neighborhood. I don’t recall now the specific words but I imagine I let her know I didn’t appreciate that – after that, she ghosted me (no term for it at the time but looking back that’s what it was). We didn’t text at that time but I called repeatedly and even wrote her a couple of hand written letters (old school I know!). So, while there was a “reason” in my mind, it did not seem justified to be completely ignored after so many years of friendship. It was devastating to me – I shed many tears, discussed with my husband and other family. I tried not to put Diane in an awkward position but I did ask her if she knew why Michelle continued to ignore my pleas for communication. Eventually I quit reaching out but remained friends with Diane even though we didn’t talk as frequently.
Then one day Michelle called me (before the days of always knowing who was calling) and when I answered the phone I was surprised to hear Michelle and she told me she had bad news about Diane – she had cancer and the prognosis was not good at all. Diane fought for about 2 and a half years before passing and it was rough – Michelle and I are also very close (to this day) with Diane’s family.
At some point Diane told me that Michelle had moved back to our city – can’t recall if it was before or after Diane got sick but I do remember that was particularly hard – knowing that Michelle moved back and didn’t even tell me. Sometime during Diane’s cancer struggle, Michelle called me and asked to get together and talk – we met at a restaurant. Michelle told me she had too much going on and (essentially) needed a break from our friendship while dealing with other stuff – and if I recall correctly she was considering divorce at that point (actually divorced a few years later) – she wanted to know if we could resume our friendship. I was incredibly hurt that she cut me out and I was absolutely willing to be friends again (I’m not one to hold a grudge). In total I think it was about 2 years of not speaking prior to the reconciliation.
Diane passed away and Michelle and I became closer – we’ve been through so much together over so many years! We have confided in each other and had each other’s backs about many things, we help each other out with kids, pets, etc. (after she divorced she moved close to me). We both have other friends too but many mutual friends. Michelle doesn’t have much family other than her kids – and is estranged from her only sister.
About a month ago I was at work and talking to Michelle and the conversation was getting a bit heated – we disagreed about our outlook toward being informed of news, politics, etc. – we were not disagreeing about “politics” but rather the idea of whether it matters to stay informed (I think it does and she doesn’t). I was trying to explain why I think it matters – I could tell she didn’t like what I was saying and I had to get back to work so I said, I’ve really got to go and that was the end of the conversation. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal but we didn’t communicate the next day (we usually talked or texted daily).
The day after that I reached out by text with something kinda funny – thinking it would break the ice since I figured she was irritated with me. She did not respond at all. Another week went by and I sent her this text:
“I’ve been struggling with how to handle and how to react to our lack of communication. It seems that we had an uncomfortable conversation, I texted you after, and you have not responded, which is obviously out of the norm. I might be overly sensitive, considering what happened before [Diane] died when you flat out ignored me for a very long time despite calling and writing you. I’m not sure if you realize how incredibly hurt I was when you would not respond to me before, so I think that makes me more hesitant to make efforts now for fear of being rejected again. When you did reach out, I was happy to resume our friendship but the hurt and pain was real and strong – and I don’t want to be in that position again. I didn’t understand then and I don’t understand now what I have done to warrant such rejection/ghosting – I mean it was tense last time we talked but it’s not like we had a big argument.
Nevertheless, considering all the years of friendship and all the things we’ve been through together, it seems crazy not to try reaching out at least this once to let you know what I was thinking. Since I am perplexed about the reasons this is happening and I hope history isn’t repeating itself, I leave what’s next to you. If you choose not to respond, I will be thinking about you, hoping you are well, but I cannot afford to make numerous efforts to reach you. I hope you decide to open back up to me – hope you don’t take our friendship for granted by ghosting me – but until then I will hope and hurt.”
Michelle did not react well and sent me a long scathing message. She asked me if I remember something I said nearly 30 years ago that hurt her (I don’t remember), she brought up my lack of religious belief and asked why I would attend church with another friend (for my family as I told her previously – and she has told me she doesn’t like that friend despite her being nothing but nice to Michelle), she accused me of not being supportive of her moving several months ago to her dream location (despite me recommending a wonderful realtor who she acknowledged she should have contacted), she said I belittled her in our last conversation – that I “displayed an arrogance almost narcissistic demeanor in our last conversation” and that she will not think like me, that I spoke to her disrespectfully (I felt she would not hear me out and disrespected me), and finally that she was going through all sorts of losses when she previously ghosted me – she was “in survival mode” but that I only thought of how it impacted me. The last thing she said was that she has “backed off until I can say something nice. It’s not ghosting.”
I was pretty darn shocked at all these accusations and prepared a lengthy response/defense but then decided it would be better not to send it and instead sent this: “There’s a lot more going on than I have realized. I didn’t mean to bring up decades of problems with each other – I owe you an apology and would like to see you when you’re ready. I would like to explain some things and ask some questions so that I can see things better through your lense. I was just afraid of a repeat of 2 years of not knowing how you are doing and if we are friends.”
I truly would like to talk to Michelle and understand if I have done things that have hurt her – but I feel like it’s up to her now. I do not want to “pursue” her if she is unwilling – that prior experience was too painful. It’s hard for me to imagine that after 45 years of friendship, we may end it like this but here we are.
And here I am today – wondering if I should send a simple “Happy Birthday” text – or if it’s better to leave the ball in her court.
Thank you for this post, the words were exactly what I needed to hear to help me cope with how a friend is treating me.
I’m not sure if this is replying under my original post, but regardless, I posted about a ghosting by a childhood friend. Through a strange set of circumstances, I discovered we had both relocated to the same area in recent years – very unexpected! With encouragement from folks who knew us when we were best friends, I reached out to her and discovered I had not been ghosted. Yes, we had both let the communication fade, but during that time she went through enormous and very sad upheaval. We are now back in touch and it’s a great lesson for me. Sometimes a person might love you but might not have the bandwidth or energy to reach out. Sometimes life is just too hard. We both are happy at being reconnected and have gotten together individually and with our daughters. I hope we stay this way forever, and if we do lose touch for a bit, I will be more likely to consider more than just “I’ve been rejected” and rather understand that life throws us unimaginable curveballs that cause disruption to everything – even vital relationships. I realize others have more concrete reasons to know they have been ghosted (which is brutal – I am sorry when that happens and have experienced it in other cases – why can’t people be mature???) but also sometimes, it’s not a ghosting, but rather a sad detour in a relationship.
So glad I found this! A bit of very relevant background. .I was abused as an infant, and was in 7 foster homes in about 18 months. So, I had a friend, we had differences, but we both encouraged each other in our different paths. She, of all things, was working on becoming a person who empowers women, and helping them dump the baggage from their past, and a life coach. So, there was an incident, as soon as it came to my attention, I admitted my crossing a line, and apologized. The only thing I can figure is my apology wasnt done the way she thought it should be done. And now, I’m a ghostee. So, back to the infant trauma. I have trouble letting people in. I have walls, and over the course of time, I had let some of those walls fall. Well, now, after this, All of the walls are back up. Including with my husband. This ‘friend’ was privy to so much stuff. We both homeschooled, and she helped me, by listening as I struggled with my oldest daughter, who has so many issues (asperger’s, sensory issues, motor skills, etc). I trusted this person with my deepest struggles. And now, my daughter has a degenerative neurological disorder, and I have a big.hole in my circle, as to who i can talk too. But even if there were someone there, I’m at a point, emotionally, where I’m not sure I could trust somebody. So, my “friend” who works as a personal coach to help women achieve their best has left me not trusting anyone with my thoughts, situations, and feelings.
YES!!! I was ghosted in 2019 by a friend who was in an abusive relationship. She could talk for hours about how poorly her BF treated her but one time when I ECHOED HER WORDS she cut me off completely.
One year later, almost to the week, she called and apologized. We were reunited and currently work together.
Last week she ghosted me AGAIN because I stated a factual thing about a lack of communication (on her end) about a mutual task we do together…
She has once again blocked me. 🙄😒
Going forward I will ONLY communicate related to work, and ONLY if absolutely necessary.
EFF HER & the stick up her a**!!