Ghosting isn’t just for romantic relationships. Friendship ghosting is a real thing and can hurt just as much as a boyfriend or girlfriend leaving you without word. This simple guide will help you deal with this type of situation and move on from it in a healthy way.
When you think of ghosting you usually think of someone cutting off communication with you after chatting on a dating app or not texting you back after you’ve gone on a few dates. But believe it or not ghosting can happen in friendships to, and unfortunately it happened to me this year.
I was hesitant to open up about this on the blog but I feel like my experience can help other people who have gone through this as well so I thought I’d share some steps I took to get over losing someone who I thought was one of my best friends.
But first, for those of you who aren’t familiar with ghosting, here’s a simple definition…
Ghosting is essentially when a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they’re dating. They do this with zero warning or notice beforehand. They avoid your phone calls or texts, social media messages and posts, and even go as far as to avoid you in public.
This is essentially (or well…EXACTLY) what happened to me this earlier this year and it was done to my by someone I considered as close as family.
In some regard, I think being ghosted by a friend can be even harder to deal with than a boyfriend, girlfriend, or love interest. Friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what, especially after you’ve gone through a lot with them, confided in them (and they in you), and made specific promises to each other to never walk out of each other’s life without explanation. (That last one is very specific to my own experience.)
For weeks and now months after the fact, I’ve gone over the whole situation in my mind and tried to come to some sort of conclusion as to why my friend did what she did. But in all honesty, I can’t figure it out and I don’t know if I ever will since she refuses to have an adult conversation with me or even acknowledge my presence at all.
One of the hardest parts about being ghosted is that it comes without warning and typically as a surprise. This was definitely the case for me since I went from planning to meet up with my friend one day to the next day (and from then on) her ignoring me completely.
Some other people shared their experiences with being ghosted with me and I was amazed at how similar all of our stories were…
My best friend since I was 10 unfriended me for unknown reasons a few years ago. I reached out numerous times but she will not answer me nor tell me the reason why. | RS
I have experience with it in a platonic relationship. Someone who was supposed to be a very close friend just stopped messaging me one day. I tried because I know relationships are a two-way street, but to no avail. I find it extremely immature – if I did something, tell me. If you’re just too busy or moving in a different life direction, tell me. Don’t just disappear. | SZ
Even when you knew it wasn’t a good relationship and wasn’t bound to last, getting ghosted makes you feel like you need more answers. It almost makes you care more while you sit obsessing over what you did or didn’t do and how the other person could so quickly go to just completely ignoring you! | LA
I can so relate to all of these sentiments….especially the feeling of wanting ANSWERS. When the ghosting first happened, I was upset for many reasons. Sad, angry, and slightly depressed over losing what I considered a “good” and important relationship.
Now that I more removed from it all, I am no longer “mourning” the lost friend, but I still feel this need to have closure. I am the type of person that likes closure in any and all situations…good or bad. If I did something wrong, tell me. If there’s something going on with you that changes this between us, tell me. Whatever it is, I’d rather end thing as adults and with mutual respect for one another than being ignored like we are in kindergarten. But I realize this is a lot to ask of someone, especially if they are not as socially mature or empathetic as you are.
As I said at the beginning, the reason I am sharing all of this is because I’ve gone through ghosting and now on the other side of it I’ve been able to reflect on the steps it took for me to get through it and MOVE ON. If my experience can help even one other person do the same, then this post will have been worth it.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Whether you were best friends for years or just started hanging out, you’re bound to upset, angry, sad, and probably confused. It doesn’t feel good to be ignored, avoided, or dumped, so everything you’re feeling is totally NORMAL and HUMAN. Don’t try to stuff down these emotions or put on a brave face. Give your self some grace, sympathy, and understanding.
Talk It Out
If you were ghosted by someone close to you, it may be hard to open up to others about what you’re experiencing, especially if the “ghoster” was the person you usually went to to vent. But as hard as it is, putting your thoughts and feelings into words to another person can change be extremely cathartic. When you share your experiences instead of holding them in and ruminating on them, you can begin to move out of the difficult rut that you’re in. Processing painful experiences is so much easier and more healing when done with someone else and not in your own mind. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to another friend or family member, consider seeing a therapist/counselor.
Prioritize Your Personal Wellness
When we are feeling down or upset about something, it can be hard to get motivated to engage in our typical healthy habits and to really take care of ourselves. But believe it or not, the basic tasks of eating well, getting good sleep, and moving your body is incredibly important to managing emotional and mental pain. Mind-body practices (yoga, meditation, etc.) are especially helpful in reducing the strain that sadness causes on out bodies and minds.
Try To See The Other Person’s POV
Even though ghosting someone is incredibly cruel and probably something you yourself would never do, it can be helpful to consider the other person’s (the ghoster’s) perspective. It can help you to move on if you acknowledge that the person who ghosted you thought that he or she was doing the right thing. It may have been mean and cowardly, but some people who have ghosted others may sincerely believe it was the easiest way to let the other person down. They may have thought that ghosting gets their message across without confrontation. (Definitely not saying this right or FAIR, but it can help you move forward to the consider the other person’s thinking process in making their decision.)
And finally….
Let It Go
Arguably the hardest, yet most important step; and definitely easier said than done. Whatever happened with you and your friend, or really in ANY negative situation in life, you’ll feel 10 times better once you stop dwelling on what was and start putting your energy towards your future. Using the mental space you were reserving for grieving the lost friendship for fostering REAL healthy relationships instead will help you move forward and fill the void your bad friend left. If anything, your experience being ghosted can help you learn that people don’t always show their true colors or only stay in friendships until they get what they want out of them. These types of “users” are not the people you would want to be friends with longterm anyway. They are takers and any friendship that isn’t reciprocal is not a good one to be involved in. It’s perfectly normal to worry about being ghosted again in the future, but stressing over that possibility is not worth all the opportunities you’d miss for true friendships by not moving on.
Have you ever been ghosted or been the ghoster? Share your experience and perspectives in the comments!
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16 responses to “Ghosted By A Friend? 5 Steps To Moving On From Toxic Relationships”
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So, this was a term with which I was unfamiliar. Not with the actual act- just the term.
But, here’s another point of view. I ghosted someone. (Not in a romantic relationship.) Because his prejudices and racial animus was becoming more pronounced. I knew that I was not going to correct his behavior- it was clearly something that he had buried for decades, but now felt entitled to spew freely. So, I decided it was time to cut off all contact. Because his behavior and actions were repulsive to me- and because I refused to be tainted with his prejudice by association. (Others would assume I must agree with his tenets, if we spend that much time together.)
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Roy. I completely understand where you’re coming from in your specific situation.
Good article, though I had never heard of “ghosting” before. I learn something new everyday.
Thanks for reading, Trish!
Ugh, so so true! I’ve been there this year actually. A “friend” just removed me from all social media out of the blue. Again, I tried to see it their way but honestly , it wasn’t that great of a friendship to begin with. I’m okay with that and I’ve moved on. It hurt for sure but I’m better now.
Ghosting is a term I hadn’t heard before – but the concept is certainly familiar – I have had it happen to me once. Thanks for a great explanation of what Ghosting is – and how to get past it. 🙂
I am sorry you’ve gone through this as well. It’s terrible and no one should have to deal with it.
Omg this exact thing happened to me in April of 2016. I was so so completely blown away, never saw it coming, and was extremely hurt!!! But after several months, I was able to get over it. To this day I have NO IDEA why she did it, because I’ve never asked. I honestly don’t believe she’ll tell me the truth, so that’s why I didn’t bother to ask! It was literally like we were the best of friends one day, and the next – nothing! And come on, she’s GOT to know she did it to me! Doesn’t she sit there and wonder why I haven’t asked?? That’s so strange to me! She didn’t delete me off of her social media, and I didn’t delete her, but I hid her from seeing my stuff. I thought ok, if she is gonna pull this cruel stunt on me, she doesn’t deserve to see what is going on in my life anymore!!! She can hear it second hand! Even the posts she CAN see, she never likes them or acknowledges me in any way. So I’m like, whatever. She couldn’t have been that great of a friend to begin with!
I’m so sorry that you went through this too, Julie. It is really awful and no one deserves it. I am happy that you’ve been able to move past it though. Sending you love! <3
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I have been through a friendship where 1) I’m not sure it was a real friendship, 2) my awareness and expectations of who this person really was was entirely wrong, 3) I’m not sure if I did anything to bring about her rapid change in tone with me, and 4) I’m sure I was dealing with a person with one or more personality and mood disorders.
Let’s call this friend (or should I say “friend”?) Tara. Tara works with me in the same company. She’s a couple years older than me, now in her mid-40s, and has been in this company a couple more years as well, not a supervisor, more of a senior colleague. Tara was divorced/single when we met, and I am married.
Some background: Tara had married young, she married her husband when they were classmates in grad school, and then were classmates during an arduous 5-year training program, and then another year in practice working together until they had – what I heard to be – an ugly divorce (he had taken money from her, I heard). She never spoke much about him, occasionally mentioned she thought he was an alcoholic, but said they probably would have stayed together if they had had kids (they never did, she didn’t talk about that).
So she had been in her early thirties, divorced and single. She proceeded to go through several relationships, none lasting more than two years (one man she mentioned she had been “almost engaged” to, not sure what that means). She had also been through several jobs in the same field, with different companies.
At our company, she worked two floors above me for the first couple years after I joined. She was always friendly and cordial with me, I only saw her occasionally. But I began to hear that there was some rift between her and our other staff on her floor. I never heard what exactly had happened, but know Tara to sometimes be defensive, irritable, and territorial about her work – which she occasionally expressed in angry emails to the team!
The chiefs of the department had to switch her office for other purposes, so they transferred her downstairs to my floor, a quieter floor.
Our friendship started pretty quickly then. I had been one of the few coworkers who she had been casually friendly with even before she came downstairs and I felt sorry for her about how the others were treating her upstairs. Although I didn’t know the details about what happened up there, I felt that she was a good worker who was being unfairly maligned.
We hit it off quickly. Mornings and afternoons chatting in each others’ offices, lunch together in the team breakroom, went to conferences together, walks to the company store together. We began emailing and texting quite frequently. Text conversations almost every day. Book and movie ideas, political discussions, you name it, fun chats. Her mother passed away and I spent several long phone conversations with Tara, although she later told me she generally did not like to talk on the phone. Tara describes herself as an introvert, she certainly is, and when she had her door closed and needed to just get her work done on her own, alone, I let her be. Some days she wouldn’t show up to work and I’d text to see if she was ok, she’d tell me she was having “a really bad time” and just needed to be alone.
We saw each other at concerts, where she hung out at intermission with me and my wife. Went to a few company excursions with her, she was friendly with my wife too.
Occasionally, I now realize more clearly, she didn’t treat me as a friend, though. Couple times going out with others from work, she drove me to the venue, and then just left me there without a ride at the end of the evening (once some boyfriend she was all nuts about came and took her away from our group, once she said she just needed to leave, and left me standing there alone in the parking lot calling Uber!). I asked her a couple times if she wanted to join me and my wife for dinner before a concert, and she always said she “didn’t want to be a third wheel.” When my wife and I went on a double-date with her and her then-boyfriend (later fiancee), to a festival (an excessively PDA-filled showing on their part), they just suddenly declared in the middle of the day they were leaving since he didn’t feel well. Another time we went on another double-date with them to dinner and a concert, at the end of the music, they just left without staying a minute to say goodnight. Except for one evening when I invited her (single at the time) to join me and my wife and my parents for a Christmas garden festival and nice dinner, I realize now she never wanted to go out with us unless it was to serve as a double-date for her and a guy! She never invited me out or over to her house.
She shared with me here and there some relatively private details about her life and family (although I now realize she left a lot of details about prior work and relationship life to herself). I used to ask about how she was doing all the time. I really felt more and more that I cared about her. In a purely platonic way, I’m happily married! But I cared and felt sorry for hardships she was going through and wanted (and offered) to help in any way I could.
One notable time I offered her advice I now realize may have been a major mistake. Thing is with Tara, she is very self-assured and confident that whatever she is doing is the right and smart thing to do, no matter what common wisdom says. She had embarked on her newest relationship and after only a few weeks of dating, he had moved into her house, she was planning to buy a baby grand piano to convert her home office into a music room for him, they went ring shopping, and she was planning on quitting her job and moving with him across the country in about a year to live closer to his parents. I only suggested to her that this relationship was moving very fast and she should keep her head on her shoulders – if she was sure it was the right thing, fine, but I was just hoping she wasn’t making rash decisions. (of note, I have kind of made the “instant relationship” mistake myself, and it didn’t turn out well!!). She became quiet – noticeably perturbed at my suggestion to merely think carefully about what she was doing – and tersely told me she had been through many relationships and could easily see that she had found the right man. After just over a month of dating, she knew everything that was bad about him and could live with those things.
On the other hand, I told her about some private health issues I had. And a few months into our “friendship” my wife had a baby, my new son. And she never once asked me about how those things were going, about how I was doing or the baby or my postpartum wife! Not once!
It’s remarkable to think now, but in the months before my son was born, I asked her (at first casually, then with a heartfelt written letter) if she wanted to be the Godmother to my son. She said yes, she was honored.
The major rift happened about a week before my son was born. She had been dating a guy for about 2.5 months and was very content and excited to be in a relationship (the same boyfriend from the double-dates I mentioned). On Monday she was friendly, joking around with me, had a nice chat and walked to the store with me ….
Tuesday morning … not a word. No good morning, no nothing. She shut her office door all morning, seemed very angry when I saw her come out of office in afternoon, I tried to talk to her and she abruptly and rudely cut me off in mid-sentence, closed her door in my face. And she remained like that the next week until I had to leave work for the birth.
I texted her a few times, I was concerned about her very sudden change in behavior. After my son was born, she never texted back. I was reading about depression and noticed her symptoms seemed to match almost entirely (at least from an external view). She finally wrote me a text saying she was overwhelmed and needed some space. Although she said she knew I was trying to be a good friend to her, my periodic checks on how she was doing were increasing her stress, she needed space. I understood. I sent her an emoticon text every week or so to let her know I was there if she needed to talk, but I otherwise kept silent and gave her space all that time.
When I got back to work a few weeks later, I found out from another coworker that after a couple weeks when she was very upset, people had thought she and the new guy had broken up, she came in one morning to announce they were engaged. Other than flashing the ring at me with a smirk over her shoulder, she never mentioned it to me.
Continued silence from her. A few weeks later I wrote to her, congratulated her again, but said I hoped we could clear the air between us. I said I had valued our friendship, and hoped we could resume more cordial interactions, if only for workplace harmony. She eventually replied, again stating that she was an introvert and my interactions with her were making coming to work difficult. My “constant need for attention from her” were “very draining.”
Brief list of possible reasons for all this:
1- self-centered, borderline/narcissistic personality disorder(s)
2 – insecurity/desperation being single for so long
3 – involuntary/circumstantial childlessness
4 – jealous/controlling boyfriend/fiance
I’m curious your thoughts on this painful/confusing situation.
Thanks!
First off, thank you for sharing all of this with me Rick! It’s nice to know that I am not alone in going through this and I am SO sorry you experienced the same thing.
Having been through it myself and since having talked to the person this post is referring to, I can say that all the reasons you listed are SPOT ON. For me, my friend was going to through a tough time at the same time I was and she felt that she couldn’t support me while she was also struggling. She also tends to isolate and turn into herself when she’s struggling so in hindsight it makes sense that she ghosted. However, like you, I would SO have appreciated just a little bit of communication from her so that I knew what was going on and WHY instead of being left in the dark.
I can’t really offer much advice, but I can say that everything happens for a reason. I now look back on that friendship and see how toxic it was. I am in such a better place now having moved on from the relationship. And although it still hurts because we were close, shared personal things, and had a real connection, I know in the end it was all for the best and great learning lesson.
I hope you’re able to get through this tough time. Just turn to those around you that you can depend on fully. 🙂
I was ghosted a few years ago by a relative of all things and it hurt deeply as well as made no sense to me. Admittedly they rarely replied to texts claiming they were too busy yet would reply via FB so that’s how we stayed in touch. I confided something personal to them but things seemed fine for over a year. I didn’t talk to them incessantly as we weren’t that close, though I would have liked to have been, but I at the very least contacted them on holidays. One day out of the blue I noticed their account was gone. I later learned their number had also been changed and over a year later learned they had created a new profile under a fictional name where they’d added back many people including other relatives yet never added me. I tried contacting them via text using their new number I received from a relative but i was too wimpy to actual call them. I never received a reply and eventually they renamed their account with their real name only to reject my friend request with no explanation. I finally decided it wasn’t worth the drama to remain in contact with them and later when I saw them in person they acted like everything was fine so I did the same.
I vowed to neveer ghost anyone after how I felt…and recently I broke my vow. My “friends” began to unofficially ghost me a while back by never contacting me, never sharing details of their lives, etc. They didn’t block me nor unfriend me yet it felt like the same thing. Once in a blue moon they’d contact me out of nowhere yet this became very uncommon. Finally I decided our relationship was toxic and felt I shouldn’t be friends with them yet couldn’t confront them. Already feeling like I had been ghosted and self-labeled as a convenience friend I removed them from all social media. I didn’t block them in any way so they can still contact me and I doubt they’ll even notice I unfollowed/unfriended them. I still feel guilty but I don’t think in this case I have any reason to.
I’m so sorry all of that happened to you, Robert. I hope this post helped a bit and made you feel a little less alone. Ghosting can happen to anyone…and it does!
I’m going through this right now. My best friend of 15 years is ghosting me. Our lives have been diverging for awhile now. For years we had a fairly co-dependent friendship. I usually played the helper and the support system. A couple years ago, I started to put down boundaries for myself and to pursue my own interests. I also have been pretty successful career wise whereas she has flounderd. A few months ago my boyfriend and I invited her out to lunch while we were in town. My boyfriend and I were both relaxed and visibly happy after what had been an incredibly difficult year. At the end of the day I could tell something had shifted. Afterwards she stopped returning texts, phone calls, invitations or emails. She called once to collect on a debt that we had agreed would be repaid in November. I happily paid the full amount not thinking much of it. Then, she stiffed me on a phone bill and abruptly removed herself from the plan without any notification. The whole thing sucked. First, because I was worried something had happened to her, and then because I realized she had just decided to offload me and my family. This is a women who lived in my mother’s house and was essentially a part of the family. Her actions were immature and cruel, but I suspect it had more to do with her unresolved internal issues than anything else.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. It is incredibly painful when a close friend does this, but know you are not alone in experiencing it. Sending you lots of love!